Ol' Buffalo Computer Humor

Copyright 2001, 2017 by Blaine S Nay, Cedar City, Utah, USA
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Murphy's Laws of Computing

So you think that you are the only person that bad things happen with their computer? Think again sweetie! This week, we present for your smiling pleasure some of Murphy's Laws of Computing that will certainly sound familiar:
  • When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  • When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
  • The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
  • When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
  • To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
  • He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
  • If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
  • A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
  • The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions, especially those offered by family members.

Computer & Technology Quotes

640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981

Applying modern technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound the correct screw. Author Unknown

As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the internet. Vice President Al Gore to Katie Couric, March 1999

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. Fred Dales, Microsoft, Redmond, Washington

Automation is a technological process that does all the work while you just sit there. When you were younger, this was called "Mother". Author Unknown

Backups? We don't need to backup our hard drives. The Government has a copy of them. Author Unknown

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. Dave Barry

But what is it good for? Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

Computer people don't die, they just loose their memory. Author Unknown

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. James Magary

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. Popular Mechanics, 1949

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. Andy Rooney

Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows. Conan O'Brien

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight? Al Boliska

During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. Al Gore

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. Albert Einstein

Everything that can be invented has been invented. Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 189

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Author Unknown

I don't understand all I know about this thing. Joe May

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Imagine what life would be like if your refrigerator were as reliable as your computer and its software. Author Unknown

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. Emo Philips

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning. Rich Cook

Rule of thumb for evaluating computer technology: If it works, its obsolete. Author Unknown

So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you." And they said, "No." So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, "Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow. Bill Gates

The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents. Anonymous

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand Binary and those who don't. Author Unknown

There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. Jeremy S. Anderson

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. Lorenzo

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. Ken Olson, President & Founder, Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. Dave Barry

When the computer asks you, "Are you sure?", ponder for a moment. Secretary

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Author Unknown

Working in an office with an array of electronic devices is like trying to get something done at home with half a dozen small children around. The calls for attention are constant. Marilyn vos Savant

You can go and find a mailbox right now, open the door to a tin box - tin door, no lock - with unencrypted information in English, sealed in a paper-thin envelope with spit, yet people are worried about online privacy. Scott McNeely, CEO, Sun Microsystems

Gullibility Virus Spreading Over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here].

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:

  • the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
  • the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
  • a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo."

When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.

Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)


Virus Alert: Heavyweight Virus

Technology News

Monday, February 10 12:01 AM EST

Virus Alert: Heavyweight
By Brian Briggs <www.bspot.com>

Virus researches have raised the level of alert to Code Yellow for the Heavyweight virus which physically destroys the hard drives of its victims.

Heavyweight operates much like other self-replicating, self-spreading viruses with one weighty exception, it arrives as a compressed attachment. What is unique about this compressed file compared to a .zip or tar.gz file is the density of compression. The file is so densely packed that the attachments weighs 1,000,000 times more than normal compressed data.

[ Deformed Drive ]

"Larger infections of multiple files may cause your hard drive platters to deform and even break under the extreme stress."

"If your hard drive is only infected with one of the files you may only notice a small knocking sound like a washing machine out of balance," said Clarence Godfrey of the Anti-Virus Research Consortium. "Larger infections of multiple files may cause your hard drive platters to deform and even break under the extreme stress."

The danger is amplified by the fact that the attachment does not require any action by the user. It only needs to be downloaded to the hard drive. Experts advise that you quickly delete the attachment before your hard drive has a chance to spin.

Before sending the attachment to your recycle bin make sure you have reinforced the container, or the virus might crash right through the bottom of the bin making a hole in your desktop. If this happens you will need to patch your recycle bin before you can delete any files.

"We're working on a solution to stop this virus because it's really slowing down the Internet," said Godfrey. "Hard drives aren't the only components at risk. Many cables and routers clogged by the self-spreading virus are collapsing under its weight."

The virus also poses a risk for the young and the elderly as they may be unable to lift the virus to delete it. There have already been three reported cases of senior citizens becoming trapped under the virus.

Godfrey suggested not downloading any attachments until the virus has been eradicated.

Help Stop Spam Email!

If you're like me, you're bone weary of the scores, even hundreds, of unwanted (often offensive) emails (aka spam) you get every day. Of course, these miscreants have the right to say and publish whatever they want. But you and I have the right to not be exposed to their rubbish.

Unfortunately, governments are highly unlikely to ever stop this intrusion.

There is only one reason unwanted mail comes to your inbox every day: Money.

There is only one way to effectively stop this invasion: Don't give 'em any money!

Never buy anything from spam advertisements, no matter how attractive the offer.

Never buy from an advertisement you get via pop-up windows!

Urge everyone you know to do always likewise!

Spam is always bad news. Nearly all of it is fraudulent. If you respond to spam, you are asking to land on every spam list in the world.

Spam is also used to spread computer viruses and spyware. Spam is a key component of phishing schemes, which aim to steal your credit card information or even your identity.

Sure, they occasionally advertise a worthwhile product or service in which you have a legitimate interest. In that case, do NOT respond to the ad. Instead, do a web search to find that product or service. Then buy it via that website. Your objective is to boycott the spam and pop-up window method of advertising.

If we all do this, the reason for this egregious imposition will fade away as will the imposition itself.

Fully one-third of us have clicked on a link in a spam e-mail message--you know, the kind that can easily expose us to viruses and alert spammers to live e-mail accounts--and one in 10 have actually purchased products advertised in junk e-mail, according to a new survey conducted by the security firm Mirapoint and the market research company the Radicati Group.

Another 18 percent of respondents have tried to unsubscribe to spam using the "unsubscribe" link in the e-mail. This isn't any better than clicking on links embedded within spam messages, since many spammers exploit the unsubscribe link to identify active e-mail accounts. Once individual e-mail addresses or entire domains are found to be active, the likelihood of follow-on spam or other security attacks increases dramatically.

We only have ourselves to blame for spam e-mail. Since it costs basically nothing to send out huge volumes of spam messages, the fact that 10 percent of recipients are purchasing products advertised in spam is clearly continuing to drive the economics of the spam industry. It's called bad e-mail behavior. "This preliminary data is surprising and somewhat shocking to us," said Marcel Nienhuis, market analyst at the Radicati Group, in a news release announcing the survey findings. "It explains why e-mail security threats including spam, viruses, and phishing scams continue to proliferate. Major advancements in technology approaches that routinely achieve 90 percent plus catch-rates are becoming widely available, yet no technology in the world can protect an organization if users' exercise bad e-mail behavior."

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