A Weighty Problem Helping a Spouse Loose Weight
Copyright © 2001
Dear Annette,
Thank you for your
very helpful website. I'm especially interested in your weight-loss
information. Here's my problem:
I'm in my mid 50s
with height and weight and good health. I try to eat a well-balanced diet of a
wide variety of grains, fruits, vegetables, dairy, and a moderate level of
animal protein. My exercise consists of regular walks -- but usually nothing
aerobic.
My wife is in her
mid 40s and 5ft 7in in height. We've been married nearly 30 years. She has a
very low level of physical activity, spending several hours each day watching
TV. I believe she is presently at least 100 lbs overweight.
I'm concerned
about her diet -- she doesn't eat what I'd consider a balanced diet. At
mealtime, the portions she serves to herself are often as large or larger than
mine. She frequently snacks between meals -- usually fruit.
Sometimes, when I
enter the room, I catch a glimpse of her hiding something which I assume is
food she doesn't want me to know about. I don't think she has any idea how
many calories she consumes each day. She seems to prefer to believe her weight
and health are beyond her control. I think she has some chronic depression. I
think she believes her life is short and caring for her body is therefore
unimportant and not worth the bother.
If I say anything
at all about any my concerns, she takes my comments as a personal attack, not
as the loving attempt to help I intend. She is very hostile and bitter in her
response. If I say nothing, she believes I do not support her in her efforts
to control her weight. She has
even said she gets better support from strangers! Since the confrontations are
less painful for me if I say nothing about her mental and physical health, TV
habits, diet, and exercise level, that's what I do -- nothing. I feel very
helpless.
Between ten and
twelve years ago, she had a very close friendship with a single coworker. She
denied a physical relationship and I think she has been honest about that. But
I think she was very emotionally bonded to him and it probably came very close
to being a sexual relationship. I think my wife was prepared to leave me for
him. That almost daily relationship began during a period when she was even
more overweight than she is now. While seeing him, she was willing and able to
drop her excess weight through a very restricted diet and vigorous daily
exercise. I believe she was motivated to drop the weight to make herself more
attractive to him. She consumed virtually no fat and animal protein in her
diet and lost 2-5 pounds per week. The rate of weight-lose and change in
appearance were incredible. As she lost weight (back to the normal level she
weighed when we married) her beauty returned, she appeared at least 10 years
younger, and her energy seemed to be much better. For this, I was very
grateful, but I have always felt deeply hurt that she would make the
tremendous sacrifices needed to loose all that weight for another man and not
for me -- or even for her own health. He has since married and it has been
years since she has seen him, but I still think she'd rather have him than me.
However during her
period of rapid weight loss, her hormonal levels were disrupted and she had
all the symptoms of menopause (although she was just in her mid 30s). I think
she began to have psychological problems because she was very hostile to
anything she perceived to be criticism and she had visual and aural
hallucinations. Her doctor ran some blood tests which indicated some vitamin
deficiencies which he treated by telling her to include animal protein and fat
in her diet. That seemed to help the hormone problems and her periods resumed.
However, her hallucinations and hostility remain today. Her doctor says these
will only respond to medication which she says she doesn't need and refuses to
She maintained a
healthy weight for over 5 years after that relationship ended, but in the past
several months, her weight has soared. The difference is perceptible almost
daily. Again, I am deeply hurt that her appearance and health have only been
important in a relationship with another man -- not with me or even for
herself.
From your
experience (remembering that she becomes very hostile when I say anything),
·
Have
you had similar experiences in your own struggle with weight? If so, how were
they resolved?
·
Have
any of your patients had similar experiences? If so, how were they resolved?
·
How
harmful is this cyclical weight-gain and weight-loss?
·
Have
you seen a relationship between mental health and diet?
·
Have
you seen a relationship between hormone problems and diet?
·
<What can I do to support and encourage her when she sees my efforts as a
personal attack?
·
What
can I do to help her overcome her depression and build a positive outlook on
life?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you had
similar experiences in your own struggle with weight? If so, how were they
resolved?
At age 37, I was
100 pounds overweight and had given up hope.
My rear had become so pronounced that it caused my back to be out of
alignment and pinched off the nerves. I
lost feeling to everything below my waist. I went to a chiropractor to get my back into alignment, but it
would slip back out before the day was done.
I was afraid that
the numbness was going to be permanent if I didn't loose the weight.
I threw out all sugar and fat out of my diet.
This was back in the days that the professional word was fat was bad.
We were told to reduce fat as much as possible, and I did!
We now know that the body needs at least 2 Tablespoons of
unsaturated fats for the body to work well.
I was eating less than that.
There was another
issue also. The chiropractor that
was assigned to me was a body builder. Looking
at him made me loathe myself. With
the combination of having to see his nearly perfect body, daily and the hope
that I would get feeling back in my legs and feet, I dieted and exercised with
a vengeance! I did lap swimming
for 45 minutes every day except for Sunday.
My husband was
well aware of the 27 year old Adonis I had for a chiropractor.
He thought I was having an affair with him.
The fact was that every day for 20 minutes for almost a year, we talked
during my session. This man knew
more about me than my husband of 19 years.
He helped me work through problems with the children and anything else
that came up. He accepted me
unconditionally.
There were times
that I was upset about something and but I was not going to share it with him.
I put on my happy countenance and went to my back-cracking session.
He had become so attuned with me that he immediately knew something was
wrong and wouldn't let me go until we discussed it.
The guy was
single, but had his own lady friends. I
wasn't looking for a playmate or a replacement of my husband.
I did find a true friend who really cared about me.
Take Quality
Time to Grow Your Relationship
You need to take
fifteen to twenty minutes a day and talk to your wife about her, as if you
were trying to learn who she was for the very first time. Really listen and truly care about what she has to say
instead of tuning her out. Then,
over time, as you really come to know how she really feels about everything
you will have the relationship that she had with the co-worker.
Don't necessarily
believe that she lost the weight for him!
Maybe she lost the weight at the same time that she was talking to him
because he cared about her enough to help her to like herself enough to care
for herself appropriately.
I will tell you
this. If you do not flush those,
"I hurt feelings of, You liked him better than me!" your marriage
will continue to deteriorate and fall apart.
The past is past. Fix the
here and now! If you love your
lady, show her you care by spending quality time with each other.
I don't mean just sex either!
Sex Alone Wont
Fix A Poor Relationship
Guys mistakenly
think that a woman who wants to be loved, wants sex. WRONG! They want
to be loved for who they are and then they want to open themselves up for sex!
Men also tend to
think that if they take a romp in the sack with their lady once or twice a
week that their lady should feel loved. WRONG!
They need the companionship of a listening friend!
Be that friend and you will never have to worry about any other guy
cutting into your action.
Also as you listen
to her remember...
·
You
do not have to agree with what she says, but you do have to allow her to have
a place to air her feelings. They
are her feelings, whether they are psychologically impaired or not.
If they are not based in reality, you can ask questions that will lead
her to the true reality.
·
Never
attack the statement, instead ask "Have your thought about...?" or
"What if this is so?"
·
Never
allow her to become verbally and emotionally abusive to you.
If need be leave the room saying, We can discuss this further when
you can discuss it without being abusive.
·
Never
try to shout over the top of her. Tell
her, We can discuss this
further when you can discuss it calmly without shouting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have any of your
patients had similar experiences? If
so, how were they
.
Cant Love
Themselves
My patients have
not been able to love themselves because of how they look.
They also cannot not easily accept love from others because they cannot
believe that others can love them if they cannot do so.
Instead, they look to see what these people are trying to get from them
with their supposed love/caring. When
they find someone who will care for them as a special person and love them
unconditionally for who they are, they are like the thirsty finding an oasis
in the desert. This is when miracles happen.
Keep the
Relationship Growing or it Deteriorates
Many of my clients
have lost weight and the interest in relationships that were as flabby and
uninteresting as their weight was. Grow
with your mate! Read...
Compatible
Mate Test
http://www.annettenay.com/Compatible.htm
If their
mates/sweethearts are always criticizing them, compounding the hurt and
loathing they have inside for themselves, they pull away from them, because it
hurts too much to be in that relationship.
No one likes to have salt rubbed into an open wound.
Learn to Love
Them Again
Mates need to
assign themselves to find those attributes that endeared them to their mates
in the beginning and then go even further to delve into their mates life,
thoughts, and feelings and find what other jewels lie there and learn to
cherish them as prized possessions. If
they do so, and openly share these with their mate, they will be able to watch
the mate bloom and grow into an even more beautiful person having an inner
strength and love for themselves.
Be An Active
Support
Don't ask your
mate to do things that you are not willing to do yourself. So say, "Maybe you should exercise."
Tell her you want to go on a walk with her.
Go somewhere special, fun, or beautiful. Somewhere you can talk and
enjoy each other. Do not name
this activity exercise! Name it
your time together.
During the winter
it can be mall walking. During
the other seasons...the choices are limitless.
Make it fun. Help her to
know by your actions, that you are totally interested in her and want to be
with her!
Make sure that the
walk is not too strenuous. This
walk is for her not you! If she
cannot carry on a conversation without becoming winded, then slow down the
pace.
When the body does
not have the oxygen it needs then the exercise become anaerobic and will not
burn fat. You have to have oxygen
to burn fat. The brain and other
vital organs take most of the oxygen. Any
left over goes towards fat burning. Make
sure she is going slow enough to burn that fat.
If she can't go walking go lap swimming with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How harmful is
this cyclical weight-gain and weight-loss?
Studies have shown
that staying the same weight, even if it is heavier than it should be is
better than yo-yoing back and forth. I
say that excessive weight is a health nightmare waiting to happen.
Anything can go wrong and ultimately does because of the ponderous
pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you seen a
relationship between mental health and diet?
..
Absolutely!
There are some people that loath themselves so much that they can't
stand to go on another day. They are addicted to food and cannot break away by
themselves. Some commit suicide!
Read...
Processed
Sugar Can Cause Addiction
http://www.annettenay.com/Processed-Sugar.htm
and
Are
You Addicted to Food?
http://www.annettenay.com/Addicted.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you seen a
relationship between hormone problems and diet?
..
Yes, when one is
not eating appropriately and tanking up on processed sugar and lots of
carbohydrates it changes the hormones of the body. A result can be hypothyroidism, depression, and/or diabetes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can I do to
support and encourage her when she sees my efforts as
Love what is left
of her inner self. Do not attack.
Lead her into exercise activities and prepare good meals yourself
instead of pushing her into them. Don't
say the word diet! Her feelings
are so tender about her looks that any hint towards the subject will earn you
her emotional backlash, just to protect what, if any, self esteem is left.
Also, if she is
hiding her food intake from you then she is probably addicted!
Help her follow the steps to get out of addition!
Recovering
From Food Addiction
http://www.annettenay.com/Recovering.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can I do to
help her overcome her depression and build a positive
Some forms of
depression are the direct result of the intake of foods with excessive
processed sugar and/or carbohydrates. Please
read:
Processed
Sugar Can Cause Depression & Addiction
Click
here--> http://www.annettenay.com/Processed-Sugar.htm
Depression is also
caused by Hypothyroidism. Read...
Thyroid
Malfunction - A Reasons for Weight-Gain
http://www.annettenay.com/Thyroid.htm
and
Medical
Treatments for Thyroid Malfunction
http://www.annettenay.com/Treatment.htm
If her depression
is due to the chemical imbalance and addiction brought on by excessive
processed sugar and carbohydrate intake, taking meds to lift mood/depression
will only be a substitute for the sugar and starch (carbohydrates), which will
not allow the body to start up the serotonin sites which lift mood naturally.
She will have to take the depression meds forever.
If the meds are for a metal illness then definitely take the meds.
Either way, she
must stop the excessive intake of processed sugar and carbohydrates and eat
healthfully. Read...
Recovering
From Food Addiction
http://www.annettenay.com/Recovering.htm
<Just being
grossly overweight will cause depression, from loss of self esteem.
She must loose the weight. That's
the bottom line. Help her find a
good excuse while helping her think it was her idea.
Meanwhile lead her into better health.
1.
The biggest thing you can do is to pray for intervention by God for
her.
2.
Ask for help for you to know how you can say things to her that will be
accepted with the intent you want it to be.
3.
Ask for help in see the good in her. Then tell her about what you have
discovered!
4.
Praise and really love her for who she is.
5.
Spend at least fifteen to twenty minutes each day really listening to
her.
6.
Help her to work through thoughts, feelings, and problems!
Stifle your manly Attribute
of wanting to fix it!
Best
wishes,
Annette
Nay, MS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Return Letter
Have you had
similar experiences in your own struggle with weight?
No, my weight has
always been average.
.......................................................................................
Then you cannot
understand what your wife is going through.
Things like ..
·
Self-loathing
·
Having
an almost non-existent self-esteem
·
Being
called names or belittled by complete strangers even when you are exercising,
trying to do something about the problem.
·
Having
people look at you disgustedly because you are putting something in your mouth
no matter how healthy it is.
To understand more
fully read...
Understanding
the Psychological Aspects of Weight-Loss
http://www.annettenay.com/1Psychological.htm
Persecution and
Prejudice
Did you know that
the obese are the only group of people in which our country openly sanctions
and promotes persecution and prejudice.
Reoccurring
messages that are portrayed in television ads, TV shows, magazines, and etc
and are mimicked by the average American public are...
1.
Fat people are disgusting.
Shows and ads show them cramming tons of junk in their mouths so fast
that that
their mouths cannot even contain all they shove in nor chew.
2.
Fat people are stupid.
Look at the ads the portray some one doing something really dumb... It
is almost always done by a obese
person, someone who is 50 pounds overweight.
Most people's attitude is, "Fat people are stupid otherwise they
wouldn't be fat!"
3.
Fat people are jolly.
The fact is fat people have to work twice as hard to be liked and often
cope by not letting things get them down, in public, while they cry on the
inside and hate themselves. At
home they become easily irritated and often mean or militant with those they
live with, because they will not take the same garbage the world dishes out,
at home! Fat people are anything
but jolly!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband was
well aware of the 27 year old Adonis I had for a chiropractor.
He thought I was
having an affair with him. The
fact was that everyday for 20 minutes for almost a year, we talked during my
session. This man knew more about
me than my husband of 19 years. He
helped me work through problems with the children and anything else that came
up. He accepted me
unconditionally.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems sad that
you were willing to share with your chiropractor more than with your own
husband.
............................................................
It is sad that I
turned to a PAID listening ear to work out my frustrations.
My husband is an airlines pilot of whom I see 8-12 days out of each
month.
Also,
my chiropractor was smart enough to know that anything done to an
excess signals an addiction. He also knew that addictions most often occur to COVER UP
personal problems of which the person does not know how to cope with.
To find control and happiness in life, the obese person has turned to
food as a substitute for love and acceptance by family, friends, God,
community and self. Read...
Coping
Skills
http://www.annettenay.com/Coping.htm
and
Coping
with Bad Times
http://www.annettenay.com/Coping-Skills.htm
He knew if I were
to take off the weight and keep it off I needed to work out my problems
instead covering them over with food. That
is why he became my sounding board for my problems.
Note...
There are minute,
but distinct differences between the food abuser and the food addicted person.
These differences take place in steps. First, emotionally, then
psychologically, and finally, physiologically. The food abuser binges (eats
excessive amounts of food in a short period of time) on food because of the
love of food itself. This is not good for two reasons. Overeating causes
people to be overweight or obese. It sets the stage for the abuser to slip
into emotional addiction.
Emotionally, the
food abuser becomes an emotional food addict when s/he chooses to use food to
control mood, stress, and or loss. Psychologically, the emotional food
addicted person becomes a psychologically addicted when s/he falls in to the
addictive cycle. This is where the addicted person abuses food to control his
or her life or emotions. S/He feels shame or guilty because of the abuse, and
abuses food again to cover up the shame and guilt.
Physiologically,
the psychologically addicted individual continues in the cycle, downing
mega-doses of carbohydrates and sugar which gives the brain a chemical high.
The psychologically addicted person does this so often that the body gains a
tolerance to the chemicals in those foods. This then causes the addict to eat
more and more to feel normal in his or her mood. It is at this point the
psychologically addicted person becomes a physiological one.
The
physiologically addicted person cannot stop the addictive cycle. S/He is
chemically bound to continue it or go through chemical withdrawal and
depression. Depression may continue indefinitely depending on whether the
bodies regular chemical sites, which have shut down, will restart after the
abuse has stopped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is your
relationship with your husband now?
What have you done
to make things better with your husband?
....................................................................
·
We
have been together for 27 years on the 16th.
·
I
learned to look for reasons to love him.
·
There
will always be things that bug me about him, but I choose to over look them.
When he comes home, I treat him as if we were newly weds.
·
I
treat him as if he is the most important person in my world.
Because he is treated that way, he treats me the same way.
·
I
e-mail him love notes, cards, and flowers all the time.
They are free and I can tell him that I love him.
See: Cards and Flowers Via the Internet at my website!
·
We
have a date night when he gets in. Couples
should have a weekly date night and do something together each week.
Many Couples set Friday night as date night.
See..
Married
Couple's Date Night
http://www.annettenay.com/Date.htm
The thing that you
have to remember is that your sweetheart does not love herself in her
condition. If you can't love
yourself, there is little room for love for others.
This is probably the problem you are running into.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What
Precipitated the Weight Gain?
The weight is a
symptom of eating to cover up something or to make something feel better.
You say she kept the weight off for five years.
What triggered the weight gain?
Many medications
for depression cause weight gain and preclude the person from loosing weight.
Depression itself
can cause people to eat to feel better emotionally and physically.
Often people will mistake a physical illness as a need to eat to feel
better or illness that is due to hunger.
Until you pinpoint
the problem that is causing the eating and eliminate it, the problem will
continue to trigger the eating problem and the weight will continue.
Feelings of
Imminent Demise
You said that she
feels like she will die soon. Is
this due to the depression, because of bad health due to the excessive weight
or both?
I get the feeling
that the problem is the depression! Taking
the meds may eliminate some of the depression but cause weight gain which
causes a lack of self esteem and more depression.
There are some
depression drugs that do not cause weight gain for some people. If your wife will take the drugs then her doctor can see
which ones will work for her.
If you feel that
your wife is a danger to herself by not taking her meds and has death
ideations then you can have her checked into a mental ward and treated until
she is stable enough to treat herself.
There are fat
burning chemicals (pills) on the market that are really helping people loose
weight and that seem to have little or no side effects for people who have no
history of heart disease. These
may be a viable thing to try if they are compatible with her depression
medications. This would have to
be checked out with her doctor.
It is worth
looking into if it will help eliminate the weight and ease the depression from
the weight!
I usually suggest
that a person take the weight off with good diet and exercise, but some
depression is so deep that the person doesn't have the energy to move.
Just a note...
Exercise causes the natural endorphins in the brain to be secreted raising
mood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can the diet
itself affect mental health? For example, if my wife isn't getting enough of
some vitamin or mineral, how will that affect her psychologically? Could this
be linked to my wifes hallucinations?
I would like you
to contact a good nutritionist friend of mine with this question.
She writes a column and gives advice to people who have problems or
questions. See
Michelle's
weekly column at...
http://www.mormontown.org/women/health-jstart.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could nutrition be
at the root of the hostility with which she responds to me?
She consistently interprets everything I say as a personal attack on
her.
............................................................
People that do not
want to face up to problems and have to explain themselves to others often
attack people rather than get into the subject that is causing them problems.
A good defense is a good offense, another words, "attack!"
Also, people tend
to be short fused and sharp with others when they are ill.
Depression makes you feel ill all the time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that I think
about it, she is very intolerant and harsh with some of our children too. She
seems to have little capacity to forgive.
Regardless of my efforts, she refuses to acknowledge me as a friend.
She even told me that her coworker was the best friend she has ever
had! I can't express how deeply this hurts.
................................
..........................
This statement
could have been said for three reasons...
·
She
may believes that the coworker was her best friend, because he helped her to
become her best self.
·
At
the same time it could also be a tactic to get you to leave her alone.
So she doesn't have to delve into the obesity and nor deal with you
when she is not feeling well.
·
She
may be trying to hurt you because in her mind you are not behaving in the same
manner as the coworker that helped her loose the weight.
Everyone wants to
have a friend that brings out the best in them. Be that friend! Ask
her what he did to support her to bring about this radical change.
Please realize with the depression, her thought processes may not be
working well enough to analyze the situation.
Because she cannot do so she may become frustrated and attack you to
cover up the deficit.
I would suppose
the main thing was time together and active listening. Active listening can make all the difference in the world in
your relationship. Read..
Active
Listening
http://www.annettenay.com/Active.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also, if she is
hiding her food intake from you then she is probably addicted!
Help her follow the steps to get out of addition!
--------------------------------------------------
How do I do this
when anything I say will certainly be received as if I were attacking her and
as if I don't understand her?
..
Help her...
·
get
rid of the problem behind the eating.
·
get
rid of the depression.
·
use
active listening.
·
have
a weekly date night.
·
treat
her as if she is the most precious thing in your world.
Check with her
doctor to see if...
·
those
fat burning, over the counter pills can help and are compatible with her meds.
·
if
other depression meds could be used that would not cause weight gain.
Check her into a
mental clinic to get her stabilized on her meds and her depression eliminated
or manageable, if she refuses to care for herself. In most cases your health insurance will cover this!
Have her doctor help her deal with attaining with new coping skills and the food addiction.