Broaching the Question of Drug Usage with Your Child

Hi Annette,
I have few questions. I know my son 15 years old is taking drug. I don't know what kind. I asked him if he is and he said no. I did not say anything because I don't want to say to wrong thing. He might not taking it everyday but I know he does. I need you help in how to approach and how to deal with it. What I should say and what I should not. He is a good kid but somehow trying to be bad. He used to be an honor student but the last 2 years (high school) things are going down hill. He now getting more C's than B's no A's. I have 2 older children and they have never use drug, no one else in the family either.

Please help! I thank God for people like you who are so willing to help, may God bless you abundantly.

Thank you and God Bless,
Ly Lora

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Dear Ly,

There are drug-testing places in all major cities. There are mostly used for drug testing new employee-to-be, by employers. However, they get a lot of concerned parents who are regularly having their children tested.

I would tell your son why you are suspecting his usage of drugs (example: grades are suffering). Then tell him that you want him tested. If he is using he will use every trick in the book to get you to call it off.

He may end up shouting at you. Stay calm! Tell him that he should be happy to prove that he is clean, instead of getting defensive (and probably really ugly). Tell him that his behavior leads you to believe that he has something to hide.

I believe the urine tests are between $55-$75. That may seem like a lot but a lot is riding on those results.

If he comes up negative for drugs, then continue to test on a regular basis. If he comes up positive for drugs, then you have to take the next step. Since you do not know how much he is using or for how long, it would be best to give him a chance to clean up his act.

If he comes up positive for drugs again, then he needs to go to drug rehab. He needs to this is what will happen, in advance, so he knows what his actions will bring. Drug rehab is needed because, even when knows he is in trouble, he cannot stay clean. This is the action of a drug addict. He cannot control what he is doing.

If he comes up positive, calmly tell him that you are sorry that he chose to use which means he chose to go to drug rehab. Pack up what is needed and take him to rehab. This means you need to have already checked out the drug rehabilitation programs available to you in you area, will fit into your budget, and probably your health insurance. Do this now.

To find the best places, call up the offices of psychologist whose specialty is drug abuse counseling. Ask them where the best places are that get good results. Usually the best results are gotten with in-patient facilities.

If you love your child and he is involved in drug usage, you have to take the tough line with him. You cannot give in or you will lose him. There are no guarantees that he will stay clean after he comes out of rehab, as he has to give up old friends that he has been using with and stop going to his old haunts where people are using. This means that he has to reorder his life. That is hard for anybody, especially for teens.

Once he is out of rehab, the drug testing must start again. If he comes up dirty for drugs again, give him the same chance that you did the first time – that is time to clean up his act. If he comes up dirty again it is back to rehab. He needs to know this.

There are things that do help recovering addicts. Attending the 12-step program for drug addicts called Narcotics Anonymous. You can find where these meetings are being held by looking up Narcotics Anonymous in your phone book or on the internet.

Find an Narcotics Anonymous Meeting Near You

This is an index of Narcotics Anonymous regions and areas in the United States which have their local NA meeting schedules published on web sites.

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
D.C.
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming

Internet NA Articles
• What Can I Expect at a 12-Step Meeting?
• Narcotics Anon.

I highly suggest that he go to 10 meeting in 10 days if he comes up dirty for drugs the first time. And then at least 3 times a week or more as needed. He needs to get a sponsor from that organization to guide him through his recovery. At the meetings they do pass a basket to cover basic expenses of the meeting, give what you wish. The sponsor is free, but he has to ask for one.

You need to get more help on how to cope I highly suggest you attend Nar-Anon. It is a support group for relatives and friends of drug abusers.

Healing with Nar-Anon

Annette Nay, MS

I came across your article today as I searched the web desperately looking for something to help me feel better. My family and I have lived thru everything you wrote about it like you were writing our untold story. I have had 3 heart attacks but never stopped trying to help my son. I was with him through several different treatment programs, including a residential one that lasted 9 months.
He didn’t work, didn’t do anything he promised and continued his drug usage. He stole so much from us over the years, but when he stole the money i had put aside for my heart medication that was the last straw and we thru him out. We had to get the police to do it because he can become violent...but I’ve been feeling so lost, like I failed ..and your article was a godsend. Thank you for understanding the pain people like me live with.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter! I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a bad time with your son. We as mothers always hope for the best and sometimes it just doesn't work out. That is what happens when our children make choices for themselves. If we are lucky, they make good choices. Drug users seldom do. Live for yourself, but still love him. I hope that he reaches rock bottom soon without destroying himself, so that he will look up and be ready to get the help he needs.

There are groups for significant others of drug users, that help them to heal themselves from the hurt and abuse the drug user has inflicted on them. It is called Nar-Anon. It is free! Here are some references to it from the net. If you live in a big enough city there should be meetings near you.

I hope you will choose to go and see what support and help they can give you to heal!

Best wishes for a good life for him and you,

Annette Nay, MS

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Nar-Anon Resources
Nar-Anon Family Groups is a 12-step support group for relatives and friends of drug abusers
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/library/weekly/aa990224.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Nar-Anon Meetings
Support meetings for those who have been affected by someone else's substance abuse.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetnara/index.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Nar-Anon Resources
Information and resources for the friends and familes of drug addicts and substance abusers.

URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/naranonresources/index.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Nar-Anon Meetings - page 2 of 2
Support meetings for those who have been affected by someone else's substance abuse.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetnara/index_2.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Find a Meeting
Find a meeting or support group online or off. Net Links from your About.com guide.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/index.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Recovery in Russia
Author and inspirational speaker Shelly Marshall visited Russia this fall and shares her observations on the state of alcoholism recovery efforts in the former Soviet Union.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/library/weekly/aa001205a.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Find a Meeting
Find a meeting or support group online or off. Net Links from your About.com guide.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/index_2.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Support for Families
Resources for the friends and families of alcoholics.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/fam/index.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Substance and Drug Abuse
Substance abuse is a major problem in our society today. Find out about the difference between abuse and addiction, the most commonly abused drugs, and where to find help and treatment.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/sa/index.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

Proposed 12 Step Conference - 10/13/99
A special conference for participants in all 12 step programs is planned for October, 2000 in Ellenville, New York.
URL: http://alcoholism.about.com/library/weekly/aa991013.htm (About Alcoholism / Substance Abuse)

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To help you son when he gets out of rehab or even when he comes up dirty the first time I suggest having him implement – immediately, the concepts in the following article, which come from the 12-stepprogram - Narcotics Anonymous.

Counseling Objectives and Relapse Prevention

Avoid slippery people, slippery places, and slippery things, unless you want to slip. The wisdom in this slogan refers to the need to change many aspects of one's lifestyle in the interest of recovery.
Some of these may have to do with daily routines such as cooking meals, ironing, cleaning the house, coming home from work, or watching the 6 o'clock news on television. Other drinking rituals may involve certain people or even certain places. This process of connecting drinking with people, places, things, and routines happens naturally as drinking becomes habitual.
The addict is someone who is increasingly preoccupied with maintaining a certain level of alcohol or drug in their body and whose drinking or using in turn becomes connected to habits and rituals. In time, many of the addict's old habits and interests give way to new ones which support the addiction.
In order to stay sober or clean ,you need to change many patterns associated with habitual use; otherwise, your willpower will be no match for the power of ritual and habits combined with the obsession caused by drinking or using.
Can you identify any rituals associated with drinking?

Is there a certain sequence of events that you follow?
Is there certain routines that are associated with your addiction?

Can you identify a list of drinking or drug using partners?
Can you appreciate the power of habit or how powerful these rituals can be and how they can actually be stronger than willpower?
Can you see how preoccupation with drinking will be no match for personal will power in one of these slippery situations?
First, you need to identify slippery situations
Second, change, people, places, things, and routines associated with your addiction if you hope to sustain be sober or clean.
How can you develop:
a new social network--a new group of sober or clean friends?
things to do and places to go instead of drinking or doing drugs?
Where did you spend most of your time with your addiction?
Where will you spend your time in the future?
Include places that are associated with a variety of activities with a variety of sober and clean people.

Example: Going to church and becoming involved in its functions.
Exercise/gym (YMCA)
Pursue hobbies or interests...bowling leagues, etc.
Use the library for books, music, or videos.

Generally relapse can happen for a lot of reasons the most commonly it happens when one is:

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired or HALT

Do not allow yourself to get into these positions without taking care of these problems fast. These are the emotions that most often lead to taking that first drink or hit, which in turn sets off cravings and leads back to addiction.
Be able to identify the following "feeling states" and do something about them before you are induced to drink or drug them away:

LONELINESS ·ANGER ·GRIEF ·ANXIETY

·RESENTMENT ·SELF-PITY

You are more apt to cover these feelings up with addiction when you are either hungry or tired. Getting lots of rest and eat healthfully.

Helpful Sayings and Slogans

Easy Does It

First Things First

One Day at a Time

Let Go Let God

Turn It Over

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Hungry and Tired

Recovering addicts need to develop a lifestyle that allows them to get adequate rest.

A state of exhaustion is an invitation drink or use.
A body in poor physical condition will get tired more quickly than one that is being taken care of
How much sleep should you have on an average?
Is this adequate? The average adult needs eight hours rest. Any more ore less usually leaves the body tired and sluggish.
What changes, if any, should you make with regard to rest?
What is your state of health? Are you capable of some form of regular exercise in the interest of gaining energy?

Avoid excessive hunger.
Regular meals are encouraged.
You are encouraged to use light healthy snacks to avoid getting too hungry.
Do you have cravings for something sweet?
How can you satisfy this need, healthfully?
Anxiety has many sources.
One form of anxiety concerns making decisions or knowing what to do and feeling right about it.
Much of the spirituality is directed at relieving the sense of confusion and anxiety associated with being alone, of having no one or no faith to rely on.
The "serenity prayer" addresses feelings of isolation and confusion:

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY

TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

In making decisions:

Study it out in your mind.
Make a decision as to what choice you want to take.
Ask your Higher Power if your decision is the right one for you, at this time.
If you feel a sweet calm or get a sense that what you have asked is good or right, you have gotten a "yes" answer from your Higher Power. Follow through on your decision.
If you feel confused or tend to forget what you are asking, you have just received a "No" answer. If this is the case Ask your Higher Power to help you select the correct choice. Rethink your choices and repeat step 3.

Stress

The pressures of deadlines and over-commitment create stresses that invite addiction.
Developing a system of realistic priorities.
Make a realistic or do-able list of things to do today.
Schedule things twice as far in advance as you usually would.
Sit quietly for 15 minutes a day.
Talk to someone, preferably a recovering person, about your feelings of being overextended.
Anger and resentment are difficult emotions for addicts to deal with.

1. Anger that causes anxiety drives the addict to drink or use in order to cover these feelings up.

Resentment, comes from unexpressed or denied anger
Resentments must be confronted and let go in favor of more effective ways of dealing with anger in the present.
How can you express anger better, to avoid building up stores of resentments in the future?

Identify sources of resentment:
What do you do in these situations versus what you used to do?
There is little difference between unexpressed anger you have at the moment and stuffing it and resentment in which you hold on to anger over things that have happened in the past. Examples: Someone breaking your favorite vase and you saying its all right (stuffing it). Someone continually taking advantage of you (holding on to past resentment).
Both types fester and canker your feeling and thoughts.
Both poison your system and ruin future health both mentally and physically.
What can you do to keep either of these types of anger from happening to you in the future?
What can you do to get rid of such anger from the past?
What would stop the patient from expressing anger in the future?
Should you deal with your anger immediately on the spot or take time to figure out why you are angry.
Has this anger incident dredged up old festering anger that has not been dealt with?
Does the amount and intensity of your anger really match the incident at hand?
When you are angry are there times that you cannot figure out how to deal with it?
Are there times that doing anything would only make things worse?
How do you deal with this type of anger? Can you discuss it with your Higher Power?
There will be times when the only best way to deal with your anger is to Turn It Over to your Higher Power.
Make a commitment to express your anger honestly and deal with it as soon as possible in the best possible manner.

Grief

Addicts-to-be often experience many losses that have gone ungrieved.
The grieving process goes through several stages. These stages do not always follow a certain order or included all the stages. Some stages are repeated several times.
Understanding the stages can help you identify where you are and help you get through them in a healthy manner.

Denial This is denying there was or loss or minimizing the importance of what was lost. This includes denying its importance.

Anger The breakdown of denial and the natural reaction to loss.

Bargaining Attempting to replace the lost thing with something else without acknowledging its loss.

Sadness The true expression of undenied loss. Sadness that is dwelt upon for long lengths of time could be depression and may need professional help to overcome.

Acceptance This comes slowly, only as denial breaks down and the individual feels able to come to terms with the reality of loss or limitation and is ready to move on.

Identify one loss in your life which you have worked through in this way.
Identify a loss you have not worked through.
Addicts need to come to terms with the "loss" of not using alcohol or drugs to cope with problems or feelings.
Accept the limitation that you cannot control your use of alcohol or drugs and have to give it up.
Your recovery task is to go through the grief process with respect to alcohol and drugs.

Write a "good-bye letter" to your companion, alcohol or drugs.
Write in your journal about losses that you have not adequately acknowledged and grieved, including losses in each of these areas:

Relationships (people, pets, things or goals
Self-esteem or self worth

Dependency on alcohol or drugs needs to be conceptualized as a relationship that must be broken and grieved in order to recover.

The Moral Inventory

Addiction is a physical and a spiritual illness.
It is an illness of the spirit in the sense that addicts are driven by their disease to behave in ways that compromise their personal ethics and values.
Addicts commit crimes and misdeeds in the process of satisfying their obsession with their addiction.
As a result addicts have impaired judgment while under the influence. This undermines their self-esteem, alienates others, and makes reaching out to one's Higher Power and others more difficult.
Recognize the fact that you have feelings of guilt and shame related to your behavior. Acknowledge and sharing that these feelings have value.
In general, such a moral inventory is a process instead of an event. It is best done by someone who is actively working to stay sober and clean. A true inventory takes time to investigate with your sponsor, clergy, counselor or your Higher Power.
Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous (AA/NA) program sets least 6 months of personal work for this step.
Some feel that a personal moral inventory should be taken often with one's Higher Power, for the rest of their life.

Goals of the Moral Inventory

1. Honestly admit and talk about the wrongs and errors you have committed as a result of your addiction.

Honesty - To be of real value, a moral inventory must be honest. Admit your contributions to strained marriages or friendships, problems with children, and so on. Be frank without promoting needless guilt. The goal of a successful moral inventory is not guilt but commitment to recovery.
Addiction have predictable effects on personality, one of which is that character defects that were evident before the illness will get worse. Still others may emerge as a consequence of becoming obsessed with alcohol. Most addicts become more demanding and selfish over time.
Explore these character defects that leads you to make ethical and moral compromises.
Character defects include qualities such as:

· Jealousy · Greed · Selfishness · Impulsiveness · Grandiosity · Arrogance · Self-pity · Meanness · Resentment

Journaling should be used to explore your character defects these.
List down any important items you come to understand about yourself during the whole process of the moral inventory.

2. Balance recognition of wrongs done with equal recognition of positive aspects about yourself.

· Balance -- A moral inventory should also be balanced, meaning that you should not lose sight of your positive qualities, right choices, and heroic efforts.

Even the most severe addicts are capable of doing things right now and then.
Note asset or qualities of the following:

· Generosity · Heroism · Charity · Sharing

· Altruism · Kindness · Humility · Love · Compassion

Making Amends

You have had the courage to face your moral mistakes may be able to at least acknowledge them.
Because of this inventory you have sometimes felt the need to do something to make up for those mistakes. This gives you an advantage over those who refuse to even acknowledge their defects.
The question now becomes: When are amends appropriate, and what constitutes appropriate amends?
Sponsors and AA/NA friends, clergy, counselor, and your Higher Power are key sources of support during this time of making amends.
It would be appropriate during this time to contact your counselor between sessions if you are experiencing intense emotional reaction to the moral inventory or amends work.
An emergency counseling session could be appropriate.

Reference

The Twelve Step Program

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