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Dear Annette,
I am currently in a marriage where my husband is verbally abusive, he is a member of the church as well as I and we were married in the temple. We have only been to the temple maybe 6 times and we have been married 17 yrs. We never have family home evening with him and he doesn't show an example to the children how they should behave as a priesthood holder.
We fight constantly, he treats me like a slave rather than a wife. Because of the years of abuse, and the need to feel the love and caring I am lacking, I made a mistake and slept with another man. I had an affair.
Dear Lost and Alone,
You always have someone to turn to. That person is the Lord. I know that you feel inadequate to talk to Him right now, but it is precisely when you are feeling this way that you must go to Him.
One way to feel a little more adequate, is to go to Him in prayer and fasting. Remember the guidelines on fasting. We are admonished not to fast more than two meals as it will have detrimental affects on our bodies.
After you have discussed with the Lord the problems you are having with your husband, your unmet needs, and the mistake you made and ask for Him to accompany you to the bishop to begin the forgiveness process, then you are ready to seek out your Bishop.
The Bishop is the Lord emissary here on earth. If you are getting yourself right with the Lord then the Bishop will know it through the holy ghost. He will know that you have brought the Lord with you to your meeting with Him. He will see you repentant attitude and that you are ready to do what is needed to make things right. He is not there to condemn you and to verbally abuse you. He is there to listen to you and to do that the Lord wants him to do in your behalf. Your meeting with him will go better that you suspect, especially when you bring the Lord with you. When you have the Lord with you can talk to the Bishop with ease because the spirit mediates the session between the two of you.
Your Bishop is the key person that can help you get things completely right between God and you again. This needs to be done as soon as possible because you cannot progress any further in this life until you do. Seek the Lord and then seek out your Bishop.
You must remember that the Lord still loves you even though you have made this mistake. He knows that we are all human. As humans we need love and tender touching. Studies done on babies in orphanages show that the babies who do not have love and tender touching from others, fail to thrive and die.
Adults are not much different. Adults that cannot gain the love and tender touch they need often choose to turn off all feelings and turn into a hard uncaring person. A person wanting to become a Celestial being cannot afford to become like this. LDS adults must seek out the love and tender touch they need within the confines of acceptable relationships that the Lord has set up.
Although it was wrong that you sought these things outside of the marriage, the Lord and your Bishop understand that your needs were not being met and that you found someone else who could to do it for you. I tell you this so you know that they will understand but they will not condone it. You still will need to repent and go through the repentance process. The good news is that people can repent and be forgiven of adultery. The process is a long one, but it can be done and many have succeeded and so can you!
Seeing the Bishop and talking it over with your Heavenly Father is not the big problem here. Staying in an abusive relationship is! You will seek out love and tender touch again. You need it and must have it! To gain it appropriately one of two things must happen to keep you from transgressing your marital vows again.
1. Your husband must get counseling from the bishop, the LDS Social Services, and/or other professional counselors to help him change his behavior in your marriage. Of course going through the motions of counseling is not enough. There needs to be a positive change in behavior.
2. If your husband refuses to do this and wants to continue in his negative behavior, then have no choice but to get your children and yourself out of this poisonous relationship. Think it through, make a decision, and then ask God if your decision is correct. See:
If your Heavenly Father supports your decision, then do what is needed to end the marriage. Then seek the love and tender touch that you need from a worthy LDS man that can take you to the temple and treat you in the manner that the Lord expects a man to treat his wife. The intimacy that you seek must be done within the bonds of marriage.
To make sure that you marry a man that will treat you appropriately, you must ask the Lord if your marital companion will be one who will not only treat you appropriately, but help you get back to the Celestial Kingdom.
Until such time that type of man can be found the Lord can provide the love you so desperately need. Let him back into your life now so that you can gain His healing love.
Before you seek out another marital companion, you must change your thinking. At this time your thinking has be somewhat skewed from being exposed to abuse. Since you have been brain washed and your self esteem eroded you run a very high chance of picking a husband that will also abuse you. See:
Before you seek a new husband you need to get your self esteem back and understand that has happened to your thinking so that you will recognize others like your present husband and stay away from them. You can gain this help from the LDS Social Services by getting a referral form your bishop or you can seek other LDS counselors on your own.
I highly suggest using an LDS counselor because if you don't, you will waste a lot of your time and money in educating a non-LDS counselor in the thinking and beliefs of the LDS faith and in the end s/he may not support you in your beliefs anyway. Many non-Mormon counselors believe that religion is a crutch and needs to be gotten rid of. We know that this is just the opposite. You will want a counselor that will help you by using your religion to counsel you. You will need your God now more than ever.
No matter what counselor you have, never except their information unless the holy ghost testifies to you that what they are saying is true. It this is not happening as the counselor speaks, then jot down the information, think it through, make a decision, and then ask God. If the information is good for you, then act upon it.
You stated that your husband is not the proper role model of what a priesthood holder should be. At the same time your husband IS teaching each of your children to be abusive to each other and in future relationships. These children also need counseling to help them change their thinking. The boys are learning to be abusive to women and the girls have the choice of either excepting the role of being the abused wife or becoming the abuser in their relationships. In either case neither behavior will get your children back to their Heavenly Father. It is imperative that they get help also. I highly suggest gaining this help through the LDS Social Services as they will work with you with in the context of your religion and your ability to pay for these services.
I wish you well this all your endeavors and beg you to seek out the Lord in prayer and fasting. See that He becomes your constant companion. Talk to Him throughout your day in an open-ended prayer. Cook with Him, take walks with Him, and confided in Him. Make Him your best friend and He will heal your soul!
You may find other items to help you personally, or your marriage, or your parenting at my website at: