A Plan to Stop Spousal Abuse
Copyright © 2000
After reading your article, it fit my daughter to a tea. She is going to be 20 in a couple of months and she is engaged to a young man that we know is abusing her mentally. We don't know what to do at this point. Kristi and I have always been close. In fact, when she was growing up and especially during her junior high and high school years, she was like my shadow. She was a cheerleader her high school years and whenever the cheerleaders went out of town, she always volunteered me to go. Even when the other cheerleaders made fun of her. She has always been very outgoing and very bubbly and cheerful. Now she is very withdrawn.
When she was a freshman in college, she was so excited about going to school, had an abundance of friends and just loved life.
Let me go back a little more. When she was 17, she got pregnant and had a little girl. Through a lot of fasting and prayer, she decided to put the baby up for adoption. We all went through a very spiritual experience with this and she knew that who the baby was to go to and that she had made a pact with the adoptive mother in the pre-existence to do this for her. It was an awesome experience. She has even kept a baby book with all the letters and pictures that have come from the adoptive family.
When she started to go to college, there was a young man that kept following her around and actually wouldn't leave her alone. She told me a couple of times that she liked him just as a friend, but that she wished that he would bother someone else. She was afraid to tell him to leave her alone, because he was a new convert to the church and she was afraid that he would leave the church if she did.
Well, to make a long story short, they started dating and she started acting a little different. A couple of his roommates told us that they were concerned about Kristi because this young man was always mad at her for something and always taking her money. She worked and went to school. She now just works. She makes good money, but never has any! We have also had different ones call us concerned about Kristi.
I have tried to talk to Kristi about our concerns, but she always tells me that Matt is good to her, she is the one that is mean to him.
She made the mistake of telling him about the baby and we think that he is using that to get what he wants. I heard several months ago that he was pushing to get married, but that she wasn't sure. She has a diamond, but I guess that it was held over her head for quite a while with, if you will do this, you will get the ring and then it never came, so then, if you will do this, you will get the ring.
I could tell you a lot more, but I know that you have probably heard it all. We are so afraid for our daughter, but we feel like our hands are tied until she gets tired of this abuse.
If you could email me and let me know what our next move should be. I'm sure that she won't go to counseling. I have tried to get my husband to take the young man aside and let him know that we know what is going on, but he won't.
I have lost a lot of sleep over this. I NEED HELP!
Thank you for any advice that you can give me.
Dear Mother of an Abused Daughter,
Since your daughter is brainwashed and will not listen to you, there isn't a lot you can do. I have seen and heard of many instances where loved ones have broken through the garbage that the abuser has thrown up in her mind and she is ready to leave. Then the moment that she is in contact with her abuser again he instantly re-indoctrinates her and she is lost again.
I suggest that you pray for her, but I have always believed that faith without works is dead. Since she is incapable of see through her abuser's lies, she really has no free will. You need to get her away from him.
If she were underage there would be no problem you could grab her and get her the mental help she needs. Since most women who find themselves in this problem are legally of age, grabbing her against her will would be kidnapping.
I would like to see a new mental health law passed that would allow loved ones to have their abused kin deemed temporarily insane so that they could get them into a safe psych ward to get them the psychological help they need so they can finally see what has happened to them and learn how to withstand it. There is something about her character that all abusers can sense a mile away. If this fatal flaw is not corrected the next abuser that comes along will grab her.
Since it will take too long time to get this legislation the support it needs to get it passed into law, I see no other recourse then to petition the court to find your daughter (temporarily) mentally incompetent and have you appointed her guardian.
· Have the courts demand her incarceration in a safe place where her stalker boyfriend will not get her and she can get the mental help she needs.
· As the guardian, get an injunction baring the abuser from coming around your family, your daughter, or you. Then if he violates the injunction you can through him in jail.
To my knowledge this has never been done. You will need the expertise of an excellent lawyer who deals with women abuse cases who will be able to draw upon the expertise of a lawyer who does mental incompetence cases. The fact is that you may have to hire both of them to work together.
You would have a better case if your daughter were physically abused and there were hospital and police records to record the abuse. You do however that the evidence of....
· complete character reversal
· lack of money to care for herself because she is allowing him to take it
· The general information that the abuse lawyer could use to show that she is textbook abuse case.
· incarceration in their own home and etc.
When you go to court you will need...
Witnesses or character witnesses before and after the abuse that can attest to the abuse and/or the mentally ill behavior that your daughter or have their notarized statements to such.
You will have to move quickly so that your daughter does not marry her abuser. I would also suggest that you do not tell your daughter anything about that is happening so that her abuser is caught unaware.
Watch out! I feel that this guy is a stalker because of the way he was following and bothering her before she consented to have a relationship. Many stalkers turn killers and many abusers turn killers.
For more information on methods of the abuser see...
Living with an Abuser
Please tell me that you plan to do and how it turns out! You may be setting the groundwork to get help for women all over the United States. There is another women abused in her home every seven minutes. It has got to stop!
Best wishes for your daughter and you,
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
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