Love Her But Stick to House Rules
Copyright © 2004
My daughter has a job as a waitress two -three days a week. I can't track her money. I feel like her jailer, but since she is 30 years old, it's impossible to keep her home. She's on probation has been in trouble with the law 3 other times, and has to have a job or she is in violation of probation. I don't want her to work and could control her comings and goings easier since we live in the country and she has no car. But because of her probation, I take her to work. She goes out late at night when everyone is sleeping to do drugs. Not everyday, but we can tell when she is high. My husband is her stepfather and I know he wants her to leave. We are both pastors, have 4 other special needs adopted children, and my daughter who makes it very hard for both of us to stay in agreement.
She
has nowhere to live except with us, and I don't know what to do. She is
in drug counseling, but I am sitting here now at 4:25 A.M. waiting for her to
come back home.
She
is not to be trusted, and I cry every time I think I might have to tell her to
leave. I love her so much and struggle not to worry when she is
gone. I manage each time, but I am always so happy when she comes
home. She has not stolen from us for a long time. It's just that
my husband is not happy with her here, and I have been a buffer and I am
getting worn out. None of the family will allow her to live with them.
When she is away from us she always calls for help and we think she is going
to change.
Mother
Under Stress
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Dear
Mother Under Stress,
Your
daughter is in the business of destroying her life. In that process she
will destroy yours as well, if you let her. You and I know that your
daughter is not going to change, until things get so bad that she is forced
into it. Leaving your the door open to her, without
expecting certain behaviors, as the condition of her being able to stay
with you, is allowing her to continue this path. You are enabling her to
do drugs. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.
Your
husband and you need to sit down together and draw up reasonable rules
for her behavior in your home. Tell her if she breaks the rules,
she has chosen to leave. She may not come back until she is ready to
abide by your rules of your home. It is as simple as that.
Yes,
it will hurt like crazy not knowing where she is and what she is doing, but
you cannot allow her to destroy your marriage and erode house rules so that
the other children in your home think they can do what they want. Even
though these children are beloved by you, they need to follow
rules or except the consequences. That is the way God has set up
this world for us. It is a good template for us to use to set up our
own homes.
God
still loves us even when we make mistakes, and He is always there to accept us
back when we are ready to do what is right, but He will not enable us to
continue in wrong-doing. Let your daughter know that you love her and
the door is always open when she is ready to accept the conditions of being
under your roof.
She
may not understand why you are cracking down after all this time.
Tell her that her behavior is causing problems with the whole family and
your husband. That to be able to live together harmoniously, that
everyone has to follow the rules.
When
she walks out that door, and she will, love her. Stay in contact as much
as possible. Invite her out to lunch, every now and then, and then pray
like crazy that God will be mindful of her and help her to make wise
decisions.
When
we engage in destructive behaviors, the Lord lets us hit rock-bottom so that
we have to look to Him to get out of the messes, we created. It
will not be a pretty process for you to watch your daughter hit the bottom,
but know that there will also be no other way for her to go than up.
I
pray that both your daughter and you have the strength and the
guidance of the Lord to do what you must as the time come for you both to do
it.
Sincerely,
Annette Nay, MS