A Good Sexual Relationship in a Marriage is Crucial to its Success

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

Copyright 2001

Dear Annette,

I love having sex with my husband. I just do. In addition to my high sex drive, my husband shies away when I try to have pillow talk/flirt with him. He in fact says he doesn't like it. He also says my wanting to be intimate all the time, turns him off. Please help!!! What do I do? We want to have children, but frankly I don't know how this will happen if our encounters are only about 3 times a month.

Desperate and Confused


Dear Desperate and Confused,

A married woman wanting sex is normal and natural. Whereas wanting it every minute of the day may be excessive, wanting it daily is not! I think you are confusing your husband's low sex drive with your having a high one. Also when one is denied access to sex the need become excessive and may manifest itself in a growing desire or thoughts of sex continually.

Was your sweetheart always like this with you or is this behavior a recent thing? There are lots of things that caused this behavior. The reasons are as varied as each individual is different. Here are just a few of the usual problems which can cause lack of libido or sexual drive. Some individuals may have a combination of these.

* medication

* aging process

* depression

* an unrecognized physical illness such as diabetes

* constitutional or lifelong pattern

* psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia

* a response to other sexual dysfunction such as impotency

* unresolved rape

* substance abuse

* unresolved sexual abuse or incest as a child

* low desire i.e. low hormones

* secret extramarital affair or planed divorce

* variation in sexual identity i.e. being gay

* confusion of partner with parent i.e. traumatic past relationship with parent

* inability to love and have sex with the same person

* deficiency in knowledge of sexual technique i.e. feelings of inadequacy

* incompatible levels of sexual desire

* inability to perform sexually

It really sounds like he needs a complete checkup. If the problem is not found through a checkup, then I highly suggest having him see a sex therapist. They know how to get to the root of these things and have excellent therapies to repair the problem. Many include of these therapies include the mate with the homework and are fun and bring more intimacy to the relationship. (It is highly unusual for a couple to have to perform at the office or in front of the therapist. If this is expected I highly suggest seeking another therapist.)

I studied some of the therapies and procedures sexual therapists use in one my Master's Classes. I have to admit that if your sweetheart feels your pillow talk is intrusive, the questions that the sex therapist will ask will be found to be excruciatingly intrusive. The questions are not voyeuristic, but absolutely needed to understand the problem. There is no way around this if you want to have a healthy sex life together and the future of children.

Sex or intimacy is one of most important parts of a marriage. It binds the man and woman together and brings them closer. Having a good sexual relationship is important!

There are couples who cannot have sex due to physical handicaps, but they find other ways to be intimate with each other to make up for it. In your case this will not help be cause sex or sexual intimacy seems to be a taboo subject.

Raped victims act similar to the way your sweetheart is acting. Many men are raped, but they will not admit that they were because in their minds it undermines their manliness. They believe if they were more many they could have protected themselves.

Keeping the rape bottled up along with accompanying issues of being less of a man is a time bomb waiting to explode. This also is true with males who are sexually assaulted or incested as children or youths. The problem manifests itself in physical ailments, mental illness, emotional problems, sexual dysfunction, or a combination of these. Therefore, it is imperative that they get counseling. A regular counselor will do for this.

There are some men who are so selfish as to never want children, because they want the wife's full attention and care and do not want her with children. You know your husband and will have to judge whether this could be a possibility.

If your husband refuses to get a checkup or to see a therapist and continues to blame the problem on you, then you really do have a problem. You will have to make some big decisions.

1. Can you really live things as they are? I doubt it!

Will your needs lead you into extramarital affairs? There is a high chance for this because it is normal and natural for you to have needs and you will instinctively, evenly subconsciously search for a way to get your needs met. This does not give you an excuse for extramarital affairs, however.


The disparity in needs will erode the marriage. Those are the facts. Perhaps your husband will hear you if you tell him these things. See:

Compatible Mate Test

Click here--> http://www.annettenay.com/Compatible.htm

2. Maybe it will take a separation to wake him up.

3. Maybe you are facing divorce.

You should not make these decision lightly or without the help of the Lord. See:

How to Make Good Decisions

Click here--> http://www.annettenay.com/Decisions.htm

There may be other information at my website that will be of value to you also. See:



Kaplan, Helen S. (1974). The New Sex Therapy. NY, NY: Times Books/Random House Books.

Leiblum, Sandra R. & Rosen, Raymond C. (1988). Sexual Desire Disorders. NY, NY: The Gulford Press.


I wish you well in your trials.

If I can be of further service, please write!

Best wishes,

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

Annette Nay Homepage

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