Developing A Romantic Love

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2004

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 months.  We have a very honestly and healthy relationship.  We both think that that other person is perfect for us.  We would get married in a heartbeat, but we are not in love.  We love each other as a deep friendship, but we don't have the "Can't eat, can't sleep, want to be with each other every second" kind of love.

We are both LDS and have prayed a lot about this.  We both have not got the feeling that we need to brake up, but we have doubts about our relationship every time we are apart.  We are both praying that things will work out the way the Lord wants them to.  What more can we do?

I can see us having a great and eternal marriage without the romantic love and maybe we would slowly get it.  But she really wants that kind of love; because that is the way it is suppose to be.  Right?  Is it wrong to want that deep yearning for each other?

We are willing to give it time.  But what if we never get it?  Are we just supposed to be good friends?  I want our life together to be so much more then that.  It would be a shame for two people so perfectly matched to find each other but not fall in love.

I am terrified to lose her.  She is everything I want and more.  Please help me.  I want to do the Lord's will, because he knows what is best for both of us.  But I am really scared of what my life would like without her.  Please help.

Thank you so much, 



Dear Terrified,

Being good friends is the basis of a good solid marriage.  You’ve got a good beginning in that arena.  You just need to give the physical part of the relationship, time to blossom.  Your statement, “I am terrified to lose her.  She is everything I want and more.” Tells me that you are get terribly close to the, "Can't eat, can't sleep, want to be with each other every second kind of love,” that you want.  Perhaps you do not realize how close you are.

The kind of love that you both want, usually comes about when the friendship brings you close enough together for you to begin to have close LDS type physical encounters.

If kissing her is repulsive, then give it up.  If this is not so, you just need more time together to explore different aspects of courting with her.  These are:

Physical Aspects

These are kissing, hugging, sitting close together, handholding, caressing her face and hair. Each physical aspect should be done within the parameters of LDS values; saving petting and sex for marriage. 

Courting Aspect

Serve each other.  Be kind and thoughtful. Think of things that you can do to make her happy and do them.  This need not be expensive.  Take up a new hobby together or indulge in one that you have in common.  Have fun together.  See and call each other often.  Act as if you are in love and love will often happen.  Fake it ‘til you make it!

Spiritual Aspects

Probe each other’s deepest feelings about church, gospel, family, traditions, and the goals you have for your lives.  Since you are acting like you are a couple in love, plan what your lives could look like together in 1 years time, 5 years 10 & 20 years.  Finally and most importantly, pray often together as a couple. Start and/or end your dates this way.

Your Personal Spirituality

Make sure that you are doing things in your daily life that will allow the spirit to be with you as much as possible.  Read your scriptures daily.  Before reading the scriptures, ask the Lord to help you find the things you need to see in the scriptures to help you with your life today! 

Surround yourself with good things such as reading material, music, and movies.  Pick good friends that will allow you to be the best that you can be. 

Stand in holy places:  attend church regularly with a prayer in your heart that the Lord will help you learn what you need for your own personal edification.  Do temple work.  Do your genealogy.  Look for miracles.  They are continually happening to help you to be the best person you can be.

Pray at least day and night.  In the morning ask for the Lord to be with you and to help you do what is right and to do your best.  At night, go over the good and bad of the day.  Thank the Lord for His specific help throughout your day. Think with the Lord how you can improve on the aspects that were not as you and He would have liked them.   Plan your next day with the Lord; thinking of how you can accomplish those things appropriately.  Again thank Him for His help.

Prayers need not have an end.  They can be more like a conversation with a close friend.  Strive to be the kind of person that the Lord can call His friend.  You can discuss all things in thought, with the Lord, continuously throughout the day as you would your best friend.  Make the Lord your best friend, and He will tell you how to make this relationship the kind of one that you want, one encounter (with your sweetheart) at a time.

Best wishes,

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

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