Steps to Relief of Psychological Pain

Annette Nay, MS

You create your psychological pain.
Know the difference between change and choice.
Use the ACT Formula.
Use precise language in your plans and goals.

The Differences Between Change and Choice

Only you are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
This means that other people or events are not responsible for these things.
Other people are only responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
The only person I can change is me!

Ten Change Symptoms

Waiting: Change must happen before 1 can feel better.
Hurt: What you said hurt me. (Check what was said out against reality. Was it true?)
Frustration: Why won't they change?
Helplessness: I can't change my feelings.
Resentment: I hate them for making me feel this way.
Sense of failure: I try but 1 can't make a difference.
Depression: 1 should be able to make them change. 1 can't make them change so I'm a loser.
Surface Communication: I can't say how 1 really feel or I will hurt their feelings.
Loneliness: I can't be myself with them. I feel all alone, vulnerable, and without a friend.
Failure to develop a sense of self: I let others or events determine my life, therefore I don't know who or what I am. I feel invisible.

Ten Gifts of the Choice System

Acceptance: I can except reality as it comes and deal with it because my happiness or develop a creative solution is not dependent on the situation or other's changing.
Energy: I can do something to create the experience I want.
Knowledge: I can learn something from any situation.
Resourcefulness: I can look at reality and create the choices I need.
Cooperation: I can work with others to get what I want.
Success: I choose goals and set reasonable steps to reach my goals
Self-esteem: 1 like myself as 1 am even though I am in transition to becoming the person I aspire to become.
Truth: I can tell the truth to myself and others because it sets me free from the weight of deception
Intimacy: I will not give you power to hurt me, therefore I am free to be myself. Since I'm not going to try to change you, you are free to be yourself with me.
Ideals and Values: I know what I am and what I want out of life.

The ACT Formula

Accept reality will continually change from shades of good to bad.
Choose ways to deal healthfully and creatively with these changes.
Take action on the plans you have made.
Example: I accept that I feel bad about the way my friends are acting towards me.
I will allow myself to feel these feelings for 45 seconds then I will move on or I will become enmeshed in their ugliness.
I choose to create a healthy way of dealing with my feelings for my mental and physical well being.
I will put my plan into action and chose to be happy in spite of their actions.

Letting Go of Pain

You are at the mercy of whatever you refuse to accept.
Accept things are the way they are and get on with your plans.
Do not allow your feelings to create excuses or handicaps to ruin your life and limit your freedom.
You choose to see the situation or person the way you do.
No one can make you angry or sad, you choose this for yourself by the things you tell
yourself about the situation.
You choose to state, act upon, or override those feelings.
Step over debilitating feelings and strive for your goals.
Talk out your thoughts and feelings. Remind yourself of how these interfere with your goals.
Goals should not be changed in the heat of the moment. Give yourself time to think rationally.
Experience your feelings. Don't stuff them. Examine them for 45 seconds, decided what you will do with them, then do it.
Do not use your feelings to evaluate, criticize or judge yourself.
Ask for feedback from others to check your feelings against reality to see if your feelings are correct or blown out of proportion.
If you are upset by rumors or actions of other's, check the rumors out with the original source to see if there is a misunderstanding. Try to work things out.
If bad feelings persist, create feelings that will let you be you and get you what you want.
To chance moods use music, singing, exercise, laughter, a hot shower, or rest.
Regular check-ups, a balanced diet with daily vitamins and minerals, exercise, and enough rest are imperative to help you feel good do your best and help you control your thoughts, feelings and actions.

FEEL

F: Focus on your feelings.
E: Express them constructively
E: Experience them.
L: Let them go and get on with your goals.

Blocked Goals

When what you intended to happen happens, there is motion towards your goal.
When there is a clash between what you expected and what has occurred then you experience e-motion or lack of motion towards your goal.
Rethink your options, formulate a plan to obtain your goal.
Do not allow e-motion to block your forward motion towards your goal.
Failure occurs when you give up.
Reformulating your plan and the steps to get there is not failure, its progress.
Signs of blockage are chronic fatigue, being stressed-out, crying all the time, inability to cry, feeling a compulsion to talk over the problem, or not being able to talk about it at all.
Excesses in sleep, eating, drinking or denying the problem exists are also signs of blockage.
Negative thoughts and exaggerations can halt progress towards your goals.
Stop rescuing others. Helping and serving is one of the secrets to happiness in life.
Helping people who do not want to help themselves serves no one.
Over responsibility heaped on someone so the other person can give away his responsibility and do nothing enables him to be a leach. It is unhealthy for both parties.
The more she does for him the more he expects and the more responsibility she takes on.
In this way both are stopped in their progression. He does nothing, going nowhere.
She is kept overdoing and looses herself, her wants, and her goals.
The only way out of this trap is to let the other person learn to do for himself.
If this means he goes down the toilet, that is his choice.
This person will do anything to get the others to save and serve him once again.
Goals and the steps to get there are not written in granite. They can be changed as needed.

Opening Blockages

See yourself reaching your goal in your mind. See it clearly and in as much detail as possible. Write it down and put it where you can see it. Keep the vision of your goal in your mind.
Accentuating the positive and being accountable for your actions can aid progress toward your goals
Practice tolerance. Accept others and you'll be able to accept yourself.
Question your beliefs about reality as it exists now. Look for distortions and evidence of the truth.
What's another way of looking at the situation?
Get a second opinion.
Make choices that will help you retain maximum freedom.
Forgive others and forgive yourself
Accept yourself as a person of worth.
If you find yourself lacking in areas, make plans to change these.
You may have made bad choices in the past. Jot down what you learned from the experience and grow from your past. This is called wisdom.
Act as if you've achieved the goal you want. Acting soon turns in to habits that become reality.
Sell yourself on your strategy for reaching your goals. List down the benefits and drawbacks.
Do not set your goals around the actions of others. You only have control over your own actions.
Don't dwell on the failures of the past, focus on the future and your plans. Make them real in your mind, then make them a reality.
After dividing your goal in to realistic smaller goals, do not view the project in its entirety.
This can cause you to be overwhelmed and push you into inactivity.
Concentrate on one small portion at a time. Nobody can eat an elephant in one setting, but it can be done one bite at a time. From small steps great things can be accomplished.
Be patient. Goals often take time accomplish.
Look at people that succeed. Study their values, positive characteristics, and/or coping skills. Use these characteristics and skills to see how they feel. Adopt the ones that work for you.
Don't look for happiness in the future. Appreciate what you have, what you are currently
accomplishing, and the growth you are having in the process of getting there.
Hold yourself accountable for your progress towards the goal.
Set up small positive reinforcements for reaching daily goals and larger positive reinforcements for achieving larger goals.
Go over your goals each morning and each night with your Higher Power.
Ask for help to achieve them each morning,
Each night evaluate them and review plans for the next day.
Remember to thank your Higher Power for the help that was given through the day.
When trying to decide what is right, figure it out for yourself first, make a decision, then ask your Higher Power if it is the right thing for you at this time.
Wait for an answer. If your answer is "yes", you will have a good or peaceful feeling or a confidence that what you are doing is right.
If it is "no", you will tend to forget the thing you asked.
Ask for guidance in deciding what to do. Rethink it again and then check it out with your Higher Power.
Often your Higher Power will sent people into your life with solutions to help you.
Keep an open mind. The way to achieve your goal may be foreign to you, but it may be the best way.

Reference

Emery, Gary & Campbell, James (1986). Rapid Relief from Emotional Distress. Fawcett Columbine: NY.

Annette Nay, MS

Annette Nay Homepage


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