Copyright
2004
Annette,
I
have been with my fiancé for the past two years. He has a four-year-old
son and I have an eleven-year-old son. The Kids get along fine, but my fiancé’s
4 yr. old doesn’t get along with me. He does everything in his power to do
the exact opposite of what I say; I am at my whit’s end. My fiancé works
night shift and practically every weekend, so I feel like we have taken in
this child for "me" to parent.
I
feel like I neglect my own child and I feel like being mean to the 4 yr. old
by constantly having to disciplining him. I tried counseling but the therapist
was a quack!! I don't know how to handle him without being the wicked
stepmother.
His
mother gave him up for her boyfriend who is under investigation right now for
abuse. So I know he has been through a lot, and having a hard time, but things
are not easy for me, and I know that I am an adult, but this child is so
defiant, I go to bed crying just about every night. If you would have any
suggestions for me I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank
you,
A
Parent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear
Parent,
There has to be an united front
between you and your fiancé as to how both of the children are to be raised,
especially his boy. There has to be agreed upon the homes set of rules
and with every rule there has to be a consequence for non-compliance.
The rules and their consequences are given to the children, by both of you
together.
In this way there is no Mr.
Nice Guy (parent) and both of you know what to do when a rule has been broken.
You simply state that you are sad that he has chosen to go against the
rule and calmly give out the consequence.
Afterwards show an abundance of love or he will deem you his enemy.
In this way there is no favoritism shown to one child or the other,
which is where the “wicked step-mother” title stems from.
These
steps are given in detail in the article below!
Since there is such a disparity
in age between the children, it is not unusual to use different consequences
for each child, so it is adjusted for the age and to take advantage
of each child's personal likes and dislikes. The best punishment (consequence) fits the crime.
When there seems to be no clear-cut consequence to fit the crime, use
privileges that the particular child values the most and would hate to
lose.
For
further information, see the
article below:
Allowing
Rewards and Consequences for Children
You may find that
time-out will still work well with the 4 year old. See the article below:
To
better ease into your blended family situation see the article below:
Whether you are talking about your pre-teen or the 4 year-old, Token Economy may be just the ticket to influence the children to do what they should do.
In many parenting styles, the parents punish for bad behavior, but completely forget to give a pat on the back to their child when he follows through on what he is supposed to do or does a good job. Many parents take this time to breath and are thankful that their child is not getting into trouble, yet again.
Good parenting skill hold that just the opposite is true. Try to ignore the little stuff and praise the behaviors that you want to reinforce. This can be done through Token Economy and looking for good behavior to reinforce!
This is already being done in many school classrooms. When class members stay on task a number of marbles are placed in a goldfish bowl. When they are bad some are taken out. When the marbles reach the top, the class has a pizza party.
Youths drug and alcohol rehabilitation homes and in behavior modification ranches and homes, Token Economy if often used. Points are given for good behaviors and bad ones take away points. At the end of the week (for youths) or the end of the day (for children), the points can be redeemed for things that they really want. Sometimes these can be for special activities, clothing, or privileges. At home this could even parlay into one-on-one special time with a parent.
Token Economy not only acknowledges bad behavior but rewards good behavior. It may be something you will want to implement.
Best wishes,
PS.
Here are some great books at major book outlets for helping parents get through their child's 4th year. Understanding the child is half the battle. You may want to invest in one or more of these.
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