Saving a Mother from a Lying Drug Addict Son
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2003
I have married into a family where the husband has tried to tell his wife to stop giving her 27-year-old son everything he asks for. Now it's gotten to the point where their marriage is in jeopardy. Anyone who says anything about her actions she thinks is wrong because her boy is right. Even their other son stays out of it because he know she will choose the brother over him.
I have found a book that talks about love and relationships like this, and I’m planning on giving it to her to read. Everyone says that it is my death sentence because she will hate me for thinking her baby is not off drugs and is not doing fine like he says he is.
I am probably going to give up thinking about it because if not I will probably get pretty frustrated upset. She thinks she is the mother and her poor baby just got set up and that’s why the cops found drugs in his house. His evil friends put it there. Even the other family members that are not around say the poor baby.
Dear Needs Help,
There is no hope for this two-some. The mom is blind to the things her son is doing, due to his lies. She will have to learn first-hand of his drug abuse and lies. This will probably be a long and terrible trip for them both. She will probably loose her marriage, due to it. And guess what? She will not see it until she is ready to see it. Your telling her without undisputable evidence will only get you into trouble.
It is of good report that you want to help and are looking for ways to help her and it will be difficult to watch the terrible destruction, but what can you do really, if she is not ready to believe the police and you? People do not change until they are ready to change. You cannot change them. Your book idea is sweet, but she will not believe that it has anything to do with her situation. You need hard proof to get her to take her blinders off.
Getting proof is dangerous and could end up in your death, but you could tail the son and video tape a drug buy. (If you have the money, a private investigator could be employed to do this.) A video would be a rude awakening. Perhaps a more telling and somewhat safer video would be taping him shooting up. If the drug is smoked, he will just tell the mom it was a regular cigarette.
You are between a hard place and a rock. Just keep pointing out the obvious signs as they occur and hope that they add up for her.
An addict will do anything to support his habit. The biggest, normally, is lying and stealing. Ask her if things or money has gone missing.
Addicts, when they are high, have pin-point eye pupils. Their balance is off, like a drunk. They tend to laugh at most anything. They isolate themselves to enjoy their drug. So her son may be hold up in his room for hours or gone for hours with no good reason.
If the drugs are smoked, there is usually a smoky, sweet, sickening, weird smell to the room. Addicts often cover this up with burning incense. Addicts that use drugs that are injected have holes up and down their arms, legs, and even between their toes, depending how long they have been using.
They keep their stash hidden usually in their room. Look for white power in a zip-lock bag. A bong (a pipe looking thing) used to smoke drugs, or syringes. Look in the least likely places, like behind heating vents (check as far as you can reach in both directions), fake books, under mattresses, in the toe of a boot, false bottomed drawers, in boxes or the pockets of clothing in the closet, locked anything.
Ask her to give you the benefit of the doubt and check for any of these signs. Better yet ask her to request a urine drug test from her son, to prove that he is telling the truth. These do not cost much and will tell the truth one way or the other.
This is all you can do.