Annette Nay, PhD

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Dealing With a Lesbian Lifestyle
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
Copyright 2000

Dear Annette,

I recently found from my husband that his 19 year old daughter is homosexual and has come out and told a lot of people but not my husband her biological father. This is all new to us although we have known and know about homosexuality and the effects and consequences but now it's on our turf so this is a real test.

I never believe you should shut the door (admit that you are gay and that's what you should be) because I've seen people change back. She believes she is this way because when she was little her older sister played with her when she was young till she was 8 so her sister was 12 at that time.

My husband has not talked to her nor does he know what to say. How do we approach this? She is a Mormon girl. We had no clue because she always had boyfriends. She is now living with a girlfriend as she told us and we didn't think anything because it's normal for girls to live with girls going to college.

I feel for my husband and do not know how to help him but don't want to just brush this under the rug and say love the sinner but not the sin attitude. We live at opposite ends of the United States from this daughter. I know I'm not responsible to fix the problem, only she can do it, but how do you support or love her this far away?

My husband usually calls 3-4 times a month on Sundays.

Can you direct me to a website about the issue of same-sex attraction? We need it for our own understanding.


Dear Sister,

I know the this is a hard one for parents to handle. Usually when someone comes out of the closet they are ready to handle whatever they think relatives will throw at them. So all the yelling and bible thumping is not going to help.

You can't drag them off to counseling or the Bishop because they have to be ready for change for these two avenues to work.

What Can Be Done

I believe there are only two things you CAN do.

  1. Make it plain that you do not except the lifestyle, but that you still love her.
    • Remembering her on her birthday, Christmas, and other special occasions is important.
    • Staying in touch is important. The weekly call is good. E-mail is also great especially if you have instant mail capabilities.
  2. The next thing is to pray for them to have a change of heart. Remember Paul's father prayed mightily for Paul's change of heart and it happened. Miracles happen every day. Do not expect that this will happen over night. It may take years!

Reasons for Change

On the average many people do not see a need for chance until somewhere in their early thirties for women and in their late forties for men. At this time they take a close look at who they are and what they have accomplished and decide if they truly like who they are. This soul searching takes place again as people reach their late sixties and on. This is the time that people take stock of themselves to see if they are the type of people who are ready to meet God.

Keep praying for them and your prayers will be heard and answered in the Lord's good time in the way He deems appropriate. Remember that charity is patient and long suffering, which stinks but is the way life is! I know this is not what you want to hear but this is the way it is.

What This Lifestyle Means

Perhaps a review of the facts are in order.

As far as the Church is concerned:

  1. Gays/Lesbians are not considered in full fellowship in the church and can be excommunicated. It is that serious.
  2. They cannot get their temple endowments or be married in the temple.
  3. This means that they will not be accepted in the Celestial Kingdom.
  4. They will not be part of an eternal family.

As far as the world is concerned:

  1. There generally are no spousal benefits for gays/lesbians (there are exceptions -- see your attorney).
    • Health care
    • Hospital visitation rights
    • Retirement or Social Security money for surviving spouse
  2. There is not chance for having children by normal means between this type of couple.
    • The other partner has no parental rights to any children conceived by other means.


When gays/lesbians are ready to make a change in their lifestyle, do not seek help for this from a regular counselor, instead seek an LDS counselor or the LDS Social Services and the Bishop. Regular counselors now have the view that there is nothing wrong with begin gay/lesbian, it is just an alternate lifestyle.

Actually repentance is easy. There only needs to be a change of heart for it to happen.

  1. Talk to the Bishop.
  2. Get counseling (LDS Social Services).
  3. Follow the guidelines that the Bishop sets up to regain one's membership in the church.
  4. Never fall back into this lifestyle again.
  5. Gain a priesthood blessing for help.


Here are two references from the net. The first is a info data base. The second is for families of gays/lesbians. I'm not sure they are against or for. Probably for! There are plenty of items regarding Gays/Lesbians but it is all stuff you wouldn't want to get into.


There seems to be no end to the support one can gain on the Internet if they are gay/lesbian. Besides all the chat rooms there are clothiers and jewelers for gays, ongoing legislation for a variety of rights and special features like the ones below. It looks like California is the place to be if you are "out of the closet!"Check it out:

  • Alternative Family Project - A full service, community based center in the San Francisco Bay Area for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders and their families, featuring counseling, information and community activities.
  • The Gay Holocaust - Focuses on the treatment of gays during the Holocaust, includes a memorial dedicated to those who perished at the hands of the Nazis.
  • The Pink Triangle Pages - General informational site on the experience of gays during the Holocaust.
  • Bearbudfl's Personal Ad Pages - Fr%sEl@ DB`k65vɍPnubar=0,width=617,height=530,resizable=1,toolbar=0,location=0,status=0,screenX=210,screenY=100,left=210,top=100'); return false;" title="Tell a Friend" target="_blank" href=""> Tell a Friend



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