How to Turn the Fear and Hatred of Unwanted Sex
into Intimate Passionate Sex with Your Spouse
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
How do you turn something that frightened you, you hated, hurt you, and that
you tried to keep from happening again, into something intimate, wanted, loved,
and passionately binding you to your husband/wife.
Often it is negative messages from the unconscious that stop individuals who
have been molested or assaulted from enjoying a sexually satisfying relationship
with their spouse. These are just some of the messages that may be hampering you
- Sex is dirty.
- Something I did caused the sexual assault/molestation to happen. It's all
- I am dirty.
- I could have stopped it some how.
- I am being punished by God for what happened. Now I'll never have
passionate sex or an intimate relationship with my husband/wife.
- Sex is painful, awful and degrading.
- I can't breath when s/he is so close or on top of me.
These negative thoughts will continued to ruin your life until they are
changed. It is up to you to change them. This can be done through reprogramming
your subconscious thoughts.
Reprogramming Your Subconscious Negative Thoughts
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
You should lie down in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed.
1. Start with a relaxation exercise. Tense up all the body parts and then
release them completely until these parts hang from your body like a rag doll's
would. Inventory the relaxation in each body part as listed below: Breath deeply
- feet, ankles, calves, thighs, and buttocks
- lower back, stomach, and chest
- shoulders, biceps, forearms, and hands
- neck, scalp, forehead, and mouth
- 2. When you are completely relaxed, see yourself in a place that will
bring you peace.
- This may be on the beach with a warm sun beating down and waifs of cool
air playing over your body.
- Feel it, see it, and smell it with as much detail as possible. Practice
going there 3 times/day.
- Do so until you can be totally relaxed just by conjuring up your peaceful
- You may find that you may fall asleep doing this exercise.
- If you are having troubles falling asleep this is a good technique to get
- Now, close your eyes and feel yourself inside your head suspended
somewhere between your two eyeballs, somewhere in the middle of your head.
While there, see yourself entering an elevator.
- Feel yourself slowly floating down five levels. Think each number level in
your head as you slowly proceed downward. Each level should find you more
relaxed that the first.
- The bottom or 5th level will find you suspended somewhere mid-scull, at
the level where the head meets the neck.
Spend about five minutes of total peace and relaxation there.
- Then come back slowly to level one. Tell yourself you will be awake,
alert, and refreshed when you get there. Upon reaching level one open your
eyes and go about your day's events.
- Practice going to level 5 in at least once a day for a week. When you can
lie down and reach your destination with in 3-5 minutes, you are ready to
talk to yourself and reorder your negative thoughts to positive ones.
- What do you want changed in your life. Do you need more self esteem? Is
there something in your life that you are afraid of and would like to
overcome it? Level five is the place to do it.
- Decide what you want to do before you even start to relax.
- Ex: " When my husband/wife caresses me, I can feel his/her love for
me and I want to love him/her back.
- When you are at level five start reprogramming...
Example of Reprogramming
- See yourself in the most positive picture you can conger up. See yourself
smiling as your husband/wife puts his/her arms around you.
- Feel the peace and love spreading through your body.
- Feel how happy you are to have him/her taking time to be with you.
- Feel confidence and love surging through your body as you turn to love
- Then see yourself pulling him/her closer. You feel alive, happy and in
- With unbelievable enthusiasm show him/her with your actions that you do
- See yourself doing this.
- See, feel, smell, and hear, every step as it happens. See yourself loving
his touch and wanting it. See everything with as much positiveness as
- At the close of the exercise, tell yourself...
"I can be sexual and close with my husband/wife." "I can be
sexual and close with my husband/wife because I love him/her." "I CAN
be sexual and close with my husband/wife!"
- When you have finished your reprogramming session you tell yourself you
will be refreshed and happy when you return up to level one.
- Again enter the elevator at level five and move slowly back up to full
consciousness as you rise back to level 1.
- You also have the option of telling yourself you can go to sleep now and
that you will get a good rest. Then go to sleep.
Rules for Reprogramming Your Subconscious Mind
- Never state anything to yourself as I won't/can't ________. Always state
things as things in a positive action form. The statement should say
whatever positive thing you will do.
Example: "I won't be afraid," should be stated as "When I feel
even a little fearful I will breath deeply and relax all the muscles throughout
my body. "
- After deciding what you want to do and after you have your positive
affirmation in your mind, go to your relaxed state on the fifth level.
- At the beginning and at the end of the reprogramming session, always state
your positive affirmation boldly like you know it to be true. Remember you
must convince yourself!
- See, hear, smell, and feel yourself in a situation where you are acting as
if you were like your positive affirmation.
- Usually after doing this exercise three times a week for approximately
three weeks your subconscious will act as if it accepts the positive
affirmation as truth.
- The mind is a funny thing. It cannot tell the real thing from your
practice in your mind. You can have positive wonderful sexual encounters
with your spouse in your mind overcoming any and all problems, multiple
times. Now it is old hat, doing it for real should be no big deal. Just be
in the moment, not in the past!
- If you are experiencing anxiety during the real event and relaxation
is not taking care of it, then see yourself playing a part, like an actress.
Fake it 'til you make it. This is your training wheels, so to speak.
- Each time you have a sexual encounter with your mate continue to be in the
moment and do it for real. You will eventually make it!
- Reinforce the subconscious exercise by acting, throughout the day, as if
you already were like your positive affirmation. That means flirting with
your spouse. Act as if your were newly weds.
Step Three: Positive Affirmations
Use positive affirmations just before sleep. The brain replays what was
thought and/or said to yourself or from others to you for approximately 45
minutes to an hour after you go to sleep. This replay or information goes
straight to the subconscious mind. It is a good way to change negative thought
or practice information needed for work or school.
Positive affirmations can be done while looking in the mirror. See yourself
telling yourself in a believable confident way. Post card with positive
affirmations on it by the mirror if possible.
These can be used anytime. The more often you tell yourself something the
sooner your mind will believe it.
- State it three times as follows:
- The difference between the first and last line is that the last line has
the verb emphasized!
- Always say it as if you already believe it!.... Fake it 'til you make it!
- "I did not cause the sexual assault/molestation."
- "I did not cause the sexual assault/molestation, because
- "I DID NOT cause the sexual assault/molestation."
Positive Thought to Use for Positive Affirmations
- Sex is a beautiful expression of intimacy between my husband/wife and me.
- I did not cause the sexual assault/molestation.
- I am not dirty for being physiologically excited when touched by my
- I could not have stopped it.
- I will have passionate intimate sex with my husband/wife.
- When my husband/wife caresses me, I can feel his/her love for me and I
want to love him/her back.
- I will abandon myself into the passionate feeling of love and caring when
I make love with my husband/wife.
- I can be sexually aroused by my husband/wife.
- Sex with my husband/wife is exhilarating, wonderful, and I want it!
- I will think of how much closer I want to be with each caress or kiss.
- If I become fearful I will breath deeply and think of how much my husband
loves me and how much I love him. Then I will pull him/her closer and love
These positive affirmations can become the basis of your reprogramming
A Final Thought
As always it is a good idea to ask God to help you with reprogramming your
thoughts. Things go better and progress quicker than usual. Also He can help you
pick the positive thoughts you should use in reprogramming negative ones.
To help resolve issues from sexual assault or molestation see:
Adults Resolving Issues Stemming from
Sexual Assault or Molestation
Ridding Yourself of Trauma
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
Annette Nay Homepage
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