Parenting - Knowing What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do

By:  Todd B. Corelli, Ph.D.  & Richard L Bednar, Ph.D.

BYU Education Week 2001

Internalizing Self-Control

Self evaluative thoughts and feelings are what causes self-control.  It encourages and  reinforces good behavior by the child.  This is better than trying to make them live under your control over them.

When a child is behaving inappropriately have the child explain to you, explicitly, his/her behavior.  Do this without shamming, brow-beating, or threatening.  In fact, be neutral in you calmness, voice control, and body demeanor.  

Ask:  "How do you feel about the way you behaved?" 

If the child is not willing to describe the behavior then send him/her to his/her room forever until s/he is ready to talk to you.  The child should only be allowed out for bathroom brakes, noting else, until s/he complies.

When the child is ready to talk, s/he will eventually admit that s/he was not proud of himself/herself.  When the child admits this, then ask, "Is there a way of behaving that would make you feel better about yourself?"

•  Let the child tell you his/her options. 

• If s/he runs out of viable options, you may share some. 

• Tell him/her that you hope that s/he will choose one of the appropriate options so they can feel good about himself/herself.

• Always use praise when you see positive behavior.  Ask how s/he feels about himself/herself. 

• We tend only to see the negative behavior. Remember to tell your children you are proud of their positive behaviors.