A Siblingís Sexual Misconduct

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2003

I have a 12 yr old son that last night my daughter was complaining that her butt hurt for some reason I could tell something was not right.  After questioning her I found out that my 12 yr old son had been pulling down her underwear and putting his finger in her butt, I could not get a whole lot out of her I did not know how to take it I tried to explain to her no matter who it is no one is to touch her in her private area's.  I am at a lost I do not know what to do I do not want to make this a legal matter; he is only 12, but I need to know what to do now.

My son has add and adhd and odd.  He has a mental health impairment lately he thinks he is untouchable he acts like he is the boss and he does not have to listen to what anyone says.  I sent him to his dad's yesterday for a week because I just could not get him to mind, after all that happened later in the night is when I found out about this heart breaking situation I am angry and I am sick I do not know how to feel.

Please help me know what should I do...

- In a Nightmare


Dear In a Nightmare,

Your 12 year old is way old enough to know that he should not be engaging in such behaviors.  He is however at the right age to be hormone-filled and want to explore sex.  This is probably what got him started with this sexually deviant behavior. 

No matter what the age of the child, no matter what deficiencies he has physically, mentally, or emotionally, when the child has unwanted sexual contact with another child, it is sexual assault.  In this case, the sexual assault of a sibling, it is incest.  I think you know that.  Your manner of speaking of it reveals your horror of the whole situation.  

Letís look at the situation. 

  1. You found what was going.
  2. You removed the perpetrator, which stopped him from having access to your daughter.

Both of these are steps that need to be taken, but not the end of what must happen, to keep this from happening again, either to your daughter or someone else.  

When a child starts having contact, sexually, it is exciting.  The excitement will continue for a short while, because whatever he is doing (his ritual) becomes commonplace, so he needs to something more outrageous to gain back the excitement.  His next steps will be something like this:

I put them in this order, because it is the natural order of progression of behavior of most sexual deviants, if they are not stopped.  This is because the sex offenderís excitement with one behavior will wane and he WILL go on to other more stimulating behaviors.  It is just a matter of time!  Iím not exaggerating

You stated that you donít want to get the law involved.  At this is fine, but you must get him the counseling that the court would have ordered that he must have.  If you donít, I promise that he will do this to other children (male or female) and their parents will bring the law into it.  Since time has passed and his behavior will have escalated even further, it will be much harder to stop him, if not impossible.  Save the heartache of other victims and their families having to deal with this and get him help. 

Your daughter also needs counseling so she can go on and have normal and happy sex in her later life.  Also, it is very important to know that those who have been sexually abused generally become abusers themselves, acting out the abuse that was perpetrated upon them.  This become exciting to them and they too progress down the sexually deviant behaviors list I outlined above.  Therefore, you must get counseling for your daughter.  She needs help.  It is not just a nice thing to do - it is a must

Another thing that you must do it warn your husband about is sonís sexual behavior.  He must also know what behaviors look for, so he can stop it from happening.  Since the child is staying with him, it falls to him to get him the help he needs, NOW!  

Check in the yellow pages under ďPsychologist.Ē Call around to find out who works with sexually deviant behaviors in youths.  If the first one does not do this type of work, then ask if s/he can refer you to someone who does.  Keep asking this question of each listed psychologist, until you get it answered.  Then call that psychologist or psychiatrist! 

During counseling, the counselor will probably be able to address the other behaviors of being untouchable, bossy, and rebelling against authority/rules.  Be sure to address these behaviors with your counselor.

The following is an article I wrote some years ago, but is still pertinent today.  It states the red flags that signal that show that your son is still engaging in sexually deviant behaviors.,  It also tells you how to keep it from happing because it states the modus operandi your child is using to get his victims ready for his assault. 

Make sure that your husband other care-takers of your son, and , you know what these signs are, devoutly keep an eye on him, and look for these behaviors.  He must NEVER be left alone with other children, male or female!

Your counselor will know what to do to help your son and your daughter.  Seek his/her help NOW!


Annette Nay,  MS

.  Incestuous Siblings

Annette Nay, MS

Copyright © 2000

 There is a silent, growing problem in our homes, amongst our children. It is incest. Many parents never know it is there. Others find out only after several of their children have been victimized.

Until recently, the prevailing belief was that adolescents do not commit sexual offenses of any serious consequence. As a result, the adolescent sexual offender has been neglected in prosecution, research, clinical literature, and treatment.

In 1981 the FBI Uniform Crime Reports state that juveniles were responsible for 20% of all our countries sexual offenses. A significant number of those reported were incestuous acts committed between siblings. These are only the reported crimes.

Since this is a silent crime and with the rise of easily obtained pornography and explicit TV shows, magazines, and Internet, it is feared that the percentage of incestuous sibling activity today, is incredibly high.

The following information was taken from three separate studies of intra-familial sexual offenders headed by Keith L. Kaufman, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Pediatrics and Psychology Children's Hospital and The Ohio State University

These facts tend to correlate with studies done on other sexual crimes on youth such as adult pedophiles.



Intra-familial offenders were defined as perpetrators whose primary sexual acts were victim(s) related to them or shared a home with them.

Personal Space-The area or space within arms distance of a person.

Grooming Behaviors - Behaviors used to gain positive sexual or favorable responses from younger siblings. The touching or caressing is used to get the victim used to their ever increasing and quickly becoming sexually oriented touching.


Demographics and Generalities


Modus Operandi

Understanding the perpetrators' modus operandi is critical for identifying "red-flag" situations which put your children in danger. Moreover, the identification of these behavior patterns can be utilized to enlist the assistance of family members in monitoring offenders' actions.


A Synopsis of Red Flags Warnings To Look For

Barriers to Sexual Abuse...

Pray for help! Then act on the following to do what you can to keep your children safe...


Getting Help

Both the offender and the victim need counseling. Make sure that they get it.

Do not sweep the situation under the carpet. Turn in the offender to the authorities so that they can get him/her sex offender treatment. Today's Sex Offender Treatment really does help. The courts will order this for the sex offender!


Sex offenses left untreated

only get worse and harder to treat!


See: Counseling for Sexual Misconduct



A Mother's Plea (Finding, Funding and Mandating Treatment for Offenders) http://incestabuse.about.com/health/mentalhealth/incestabuse/library/weekly/aa020998.htm?COB=home&terms=juvenile+sex+offenders&PM=112_300_T


Adult and Youth Sex Offender Treatment Centers http://incestabuse.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.gl.umbc.edu/~ddixon1/women/sexabuse/offendtx.html


Treating the Denying Sex Offender By Charlene Steen, Ph.D., J.D. http://incestabuse.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/offender/treatingSO.html



Graduated and Community-Based Sanctions for Juvenile Offenders Richard E. Redding, J.D., Ph.D. Many juvenile justice scholars agree that prison incarceration should be reserved only for a small number of very chronic or violent offenders, with graduated and community-based dispositions used for all other offenders.



Annette Nay, Ph.D.

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