A Sibling

A Sibling’s Sexual Misconduct

I have a 12 yr old son that last night my daughter was complaining that her butt hurt for some reason I could tell something was not right. After questioning her I found out that my 12 yr old son had been pulling down her underwear and putting his finger in her butt, I could not get a whole lot out of her I did not know how to take it I tried to explain to her no matter who it is no one is to touch her in her private area's. I am at a lost I do not know what to do I do not want to make this a legal matter; he is only 12, but I need to know what to do now.

My son has add and adhd and odd. He has a mental health impairment lately he thinks he is untouchable he acts like he is the boss and he does not have to listen to what anyone says. I sent him to his dad's yesterday for a week because I just could not get him to mind, after all that happened later in the night is when I found out about this heart breaking situation I am angry and I am sick I do not know how to feel.

Please help me know what should I do...

- In a Nightmare

Dear In a Nightmare,

Your 12 year old is way old enough to know that he should not be engaging in such behaviors. He is however at the right age to be hormone-filled and want to explore sex. This is probably what got him started with this sexually deviant behavior.

No matter what the age of the child, no matter what deficiencies he has physically, mentally, or emotionally, when the child has unwanted sexual contact with another child, it is sexual assault. In this case, the sexual assault of a sibling, it is incest. I think you know that. Your manner of speaking of it reveals your horror of the whole situation.

Let’s look at the situation.

You found what was going.
You removed the perpetrator, which stopped him from having access to your daughter.

Both of these are steps that need to be taken, but not the end of what must happen, to keep this from happening again, either to your daughter or someone else.

When a child starts having contact, sexually, it is exciting. The excitement will continue for a short while, because whatever he is doing (his ritual) becomes commonplace, so he needs to something more outrageous to gain back the excitement. His next steps will be something like this:

Putting other things in the anal passage
Sodomy
Touching and playing with other sexual places
Oral sex and/or Vaginal sex
Sex with other girls
Rape
Rape & Murder
Mutilation Rape-Murder
A Serial Killer is born

I put them in this order, because it is the natural order of progression of behavior of most sexual deviants, if they are not stopped. This is because the sex offender’s excitement with one behavior will wane and he WILL go on to other more stimulating behaviors. It is just a matter of time! I’m not exaggerating!

You stated that you don’t want to get the law involved. At this is fine, but you must get him the counseling that the court would have ordered that he must have. If you don’t, I promise that he will do this to other children (male or female) and their parents will bring the law into it. Since time has passed and his behavior will have escalated even further, it will be much harder to stop him, if not impossible. Save the heartache of other victims and their families having to deal with this and get him help.

Your daughter also needs counseling so she can go on and have normal and happy sex in her later life. Also, it is very important to know that those who have been sexually abused generally become abusers themselves, acting out the abuse that was perpetrated upon them. This become exciting to them and they too progress down the sexually deviant behaviors list I outlined above. Therefore, you must get counseling for your daughter. She needs help. It is not just a nice thing to do - it is a must!

Another thing that you must do it warn your husband about is son’s sexual behavior. He must also know what behaviors look for, so he can stop it from happening. Since the child is staying with him, it falls to him to get him the help he needs, NOW!

Check in the yellow pages under “Psychologist.” Call around to find out who works with sexually deviant behaviors in youths. If the first one does not do this type of work, then ask if s/he can refer you to someone who does. Keep asking this question of each listed psychologist, until you get it answered. Then call that psychologist or psychiatrist!

During counseling, the counselor will probably be able to address the other behaviors of being untouchable, bossy, and rebelling against authority/rules. Be sure to address these behaviors with your counselor.

The following is an article I wrote some years ago, but is still pertinent today. It states the red flags that signal that show that your son is still engaging in sexually deviant behaviors., It also tells you how to keep it from happing because it states the modus operandi your child is using to get his victims ready for his assault.

Make sure that your husband other care-takers of your son, and , you know what these signs are, devoutly keep an eye on him, and look for these behaviors. He must NEVER be left alone with other children, male or female!

Your counselor will know what to do to help your son and your daughter. Seek his/her help NOW!

Sincerely,

Annette Nay, MS

. Incestuous Siblings

Annette Nay, MS

There is a silent, growing problem in our homes, amongst our children. It is incest. Many parents never know it is there. Others find out only after several of their children have been victimized.

Until recently, the prevailing belief was that adolescents do not commit sexual offenses of any serious consequence. As a result, the adolescent sexual offender has been neglected in prosecution, research, clinical literature, and treatment.

In 1981 the FBI Uniform Crime Reports state that juveniles were responsible for 20% of all our countries sexual offenses. A significant number of those reported were incestuous acts committed between siblings. These are only the reported crimes.

Since this is a silent crime and with the rise of easily obtained pornography and explicit TV shows, magazines, and Internet, it is feared that the percentage of incestuous sibling activity today, is incredibly high.

The following information was taken from three separate studies of intra-familial sexual offenders headed by Keith L. Kaufman, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Pediatrics and Psychology Children's Hospital and The Ohio State University

These facts tend to correlate with studies done on other sexual crimes on youth such as adult pedophiles.

Terms

Intra-familial offenders were defined as perpetrators whose primary sexual acts were victim(s) related to them or shared a home with them.

Personal Space-The area or space within arms distance of a person.

Grooming Behaviors - Behaviors used to gain positive sexual or favorable responses from younger siblings. The touching or caressing is used to get the victim used to their ever increasing and quickly becoming sexually oriented touching.

Demographics and Generalities

Participants ranged in age from 13 to 20 intra-familial offenders completing the questionnaires were about 17 years old, Caucasian, and had completed a 9th grade education.
The vast majority of offenders were charged with rape or gross sexual imposition. Intra-familial offenders had received an average of 8.9 months of sex offender treatment
More than half of the intra-familial offenders reported a history of being sexually abused (62%), often by a relative (53%).
Many offenders also reported engaging in sexual activity with older females that they did not consider abusive.
The majority of victims of offenses involving physical contact are female, below the age of 12 years,
Offenders are predominantly white males with a history of non-sexual acting out behavior or delinquency, who either experienced or observed physical violence or sexual abuse while growing up. Although intra-familial sexual offenses occur across all boundaries of sex, age, income, religion, and race!
Rapes committed by adolescent offenders are less likely to involve coercion via a weapon or to result in physical harm. However, research also indicates that a substantial proportion of adolescent perpetrators (33% to 45%) have used some degree of physical force and/or threats to harm their victims.
The majority of such offenses seem to occur in the home shared by the victim and the offender.

Modus Operandi

Understanding the perpetrators' modus operandi is critical for identifying "red-flag" situations which put your children in danger. Moreover, the identification of these behavior patterns can be utilized to enlist the assistance of family members in monitoring offenders' actions.

Intra-familial offenders were most likely to gain time alone with their victims by watching TV, baby-sitting, sharing a bedroom, or taking the victim places.
The sexual contact frequently occurred in the house shared by the offender and the victim.
Intra-familial offenders were least likely to find time alone with their victims at school or on the way to school, and by taking their victims to the movies, video arcade, or playground.
The most and least frequently employed methods ... Offenders usually attempted to gain trust by playing with the victim, being friends with the victim, doing what the victim liked to do, giving the victim non-sexual attention, and spending a lot of time with the victim.
Adolescent offenders rarely used substances, such as drugs, beer, or cigarettes, to gain their victim's trust.
Adolescent offenders rarely used methods such as talking to the victim about another abuser the victim knew, or having the victim talk to another child who the offender had previously abused.
Offenders rarely threatened to kill their victims' siblings, parents, friends, or relatives in an effort to keep the victims quiet about the abuse.
Offenders who were more frequently exposed to pornography, who more frequently engaged in sexual fantasies, and who more frequently masturbated used the following modus operandi strategies with greater frequency:

attempts to gain their victims' trust, bribes and enticements to gain their
victims' cooperation
threats and coercion to gain cooperation
threats and coercion to maintain victim silence following the abuse

A history of exhibitionism was significantly correlated with the access, trust, and bribes and enticements.
Offenders who had more frequently exposed themselves to others also gained access to their victims in a wider variety of locations, more frequently used strategies to gain their victims' trust, and more frequently used bribes and enticements to gain victim's cooperation in sexual activity.
A history of voyeurism correlated significantly with the bribes and enticements, threats and coercion, and maintaining silence.

A Synopsis of Red Flags Warnings To Look For

Child/Teen has access to sexual explicit role models, movies, and/or magazines (pornography).
Spend a lot of time with older same sex or opposite sex person with time unaccounted for or un-chaperoned.
Has been caught in "Peeping Tom" or "Flasher" incidences.
Engages in Grooming Behaviors:

An older sibling touching or patting the younger sibling, especially suspect if it behavior continues and/or if touch is characteristic of a sexual familiarity. i.e. brushing against sexual or private parts, patting the buttocks, kissing on the lips, long hugs, etc.

Deferring to or playing younger sibling games with younger sibling.) This behavior is especially suspect in teens with younger siblings as teen usually do not want to be bothered with younger siblings!
Youth is overly attentive to younger sibling usually 12 or under.
Invading the younger siblings "personal space" consistently
Entering private bedrooms or bathroom while sibling is dressing and/or bathing.
Closing the door upon entering a younger siblings room.
Special gifts or treats given to the younger sibling.
Spending a lot of time with younger sibling of either sex.
Notice if the child does not want to be left with another sibling. Find out why!

Barriers to Sexual Abuse...

Pray for help! Then act on the following to do what you can to keep your children safe...

Do not leave opposite or same sex children alone together in the home for long periods of time.
If you must be gone and can't take your younger children with you, arrange for at least the younger siblings to have:

sleep-overs with parental supervision
play dates with other children their age which are parentally supervised.
time at a daycare facility or sports activity that had more than one adult supervising

Do not allow the doors to be closed when other siblings are together inside.
Doors are to be locked and drapes pulled went children are in the room, dressing.
No one is allowed in the bathroom when someone is toileting or bathing.
The bathroom door is to be locked when someone is toileting or bathing.
Siblings nor parents are to come out of their rooms scantly clad.
Establish open lines of communications with your children so they feel free to report inappropriate or worrisome contact with adults or older children/siblings.
Explain the difference between "Good Touch" and "Bad Touch." "Bad Touch" is the touching of the areas their bathing suit covers by any one else. Explain why this may take place for Doctor exams (with at least 2 people in the room).
Opposite sex children should never not room or tent together.
Same sex children should be supervised when rooming or tenting together by no notice visits.
When doors are closed longer that is needed to change clothes, investigate immediately!
Help your children to understand that they have the right to resist any offensive contact. Teach them: "No! Go! Tell!" -->Yell "NO!", get away, and tell an adult immediately!
Never leave your child alone with anyone!
Trust your instincts and/or warnings of the Spirit. It is doesn't seem right, or you get a funny feeling, or reoccurring thought keep entering your thoughts that something is wrong. Trust those feelings and act!
No skinny-dipping allowed!
Help your children recognize situations that can cause them to be in danger

Being alone with adults or older children/siblings.
Having other people (no matter the age) invade their private space. (One arm's distance away from them.)
Teaching them about "Grooming Behaviors" so if they happen to them they will know them for what they are.
Teach them to trust their instincts! If it doesn't seem right it, probably isn't!
If gifts or treats begin to happen on a regular basis, teach them to be wary!

The sex offender must have access to your child. Limit that access as much as possible.
Remember in today's wicked world, everyone is suspect, even every member of your
immediate and extended family.

Getting Help

Both the offender and the victim need counseling. Make sure that they get it.

Do not sweep the situation under the carpet. Turn in the offender to the authorities so that they can get him/her sex offender treatment. Today's Sex Offender Treatment really does help. The courts will order this for the sex offender!

Sex offenses left untreated

only get worse and harder to treat!

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See: Counseling for Sexual Misconduct

http://www.annettenay.com/Sexual.htm

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A Mother's Plea (Finding, Funding and Mandating Treatment for Offenders) http://incestabuse.about.com/health/mentalhealth/incestabuse/library/weekly/aa020998.htm?COB=home&terms=juvenile+sex+offenders&PM=112_300_T

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Adult and Youth Sex Offender Treatment Centers http://incestabuse.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.gl.umbc.edu/~ddixon1/women/sexabuse/offendtx.html

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Treating the Denying Sex Offender By Charlene Steen, Ph.D., J.D. http://incestabuse.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/offender/treatingSO.html

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JUVENILE FORENSIC EVALUATION RESOURCE CENTER

Graduated and Community-Based Sanctions for Juvenile Offenders Richard E. Redding, J.D., Ph.D. Many juvenile justice scholars agree that prison incarceration should be reserved only for a small number of very chronic or violent offenders, with graduated and community-based dispositions used for all other offenders.

http://ness.sys.virginia.edu/juv/Sanctions.html

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Annette Nay, MS

Annette Nay Homepage


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