Copyright © 1999
Dear Annette,
I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was a young girl. Because of this, I struggled with feelings of self worth and self love. Because of the love of the Savior and a knowledge of why I am here on earth, I feel I have now dealt with the hurt and anger I felt about my abuse. A few years ago I began talking with my other brother and sister about the things that happened and found that my younger sister was also abused by my older brother. My sister and I have both learned to forgive and love our older brother, but we live with guilt that is not born of what happened to us, but because neither of us have spoken to our parents about what happened. Although we know that they are aware of the situation, we have not talked about what happened. Now, my sister and I worry about the daughters that my brother is raising in his home. I feel tremendous fear that he may be abusing them, and I am not doing anything about it. I do not live near them, and have no way of discovering if they are being abused, but I feel responsible for what may be happening to those sweet girls at this moment. I don't know what to do about it. A few months ago in combined relief society and elders quorum, the Bishop read a letter or something from somewhere (I didn't pay attention to that) about how we are responsible to do something if we feel that children are in danger. Please advise me.
Concerned Aunt
Dear Aunt,
I'm glad that you are concerned! The chances are "ZERO" that your brother has reformed. I say this because only 2% of child molesters/pedophiles are ever completely rehabilitated. Those individuals have to fight off urges to re-offend every moment of every day unless they ask the Lord help in taking these urges away. To be well your brother must repent, get counseling, and seek the Lord's help in ridding himself of these thoughts.
Remember he must go through all the steps in repentance. Repentance can be done completely by using the three "R's":
Remorse - The individual must feel sorry for what s/he has done and want to make thing right.
Restitution - Is doing what can be done to make things right. It starts with an apology.
Resolve - Never do it again.
He obviously has not made restitution with either you or your sister. This is another reason that I feel he has not changed his ways.
I am assuming that your brother is still living with the mother of his daughters. If so I highly suggest that you make your brother's wife aware of what is going on. I would also tell your brother that you and your sister have forgiven him for his trespasses but you want him to get counseling so he does not do the same to his daughters.
I suggest that you do it in person if possible so that you have both your brother and his wife in sitting down in front of you. I am afraid this will not easy for you, but it will be worth it. It may be a good idea to take your sister along also to collaborate your story while talking to the wife.
Your brother needs help whether his appetites have vented themselves on his daughters or not. If you love him, see that he gets help! Remind him that he needs to get help to be part of your eternal family and so he does not hurt anyone else!
It would also be a good idea if he were to get a priesthood blessing. I hope you and your sister are praying for him. I suggest that you have him name entered on the temple prayer rolls. Just call the temple and ask for it to be done or put it on there yourself when you go to the temple.
You say that you feel a tremendous fear for your nieces. Feels that keep coming to us are not usually our imaginations running away from us. This is the mode of operation of the Holy Ghost. He will continue to bring his messages to you until you purposefully discard them as not wanted. If you are not sure if a message is coming from the Holy Ghost then think the thoughts through, make a decision whether they are right or wrong. Then ask God if they are true. If they are then, heed the warnings of the Holy Ghost! Get help for those girls.
If your brother is not willing to get help then other steps must be taken to safe guard those children.
Report your suspicions to the state child welfare division. They will get a court order mandating that he gets help or he cannot live in the same house as the girls. They have the right to be safe!
I am glad that you have been able to get rid of the hurt and bitterness that accompanies such assaults. For those readers that have been sexually assaulted and cannot get past these feelings, please read:
If you are having trouble with intimacy with your husband because of being incestuously assaulted, please read:
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