Annette Nay, PhD

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Don't let the Garbage Man Dump His Trash on You
Annette Nay, Ph.D.
Copyright 1999

Dear Annette,

Sometimes I feel like if this life is a test then I'm failing BIG time and might as well quit. One reason I feel like a failure is because of the stress of having 2 children with special needs. One of these children is my 18 old daughter. She is mentally impaired and is running on a 9 year olds mentality. Since she started having her period, two year ago her hormones and she have been driving me crazy.

She and her 10 yr. old brother fight a lot. She tells him she hates him and wishes he was dead. Since they are both on about the same level mentally and I think that's why these two fight the most.

Before I said I would never have my kids live in a group home, but now I am considering it when my 18 year old is done with high school. When I think like this it makes me feel like a bad mother because I can't take care of my own child and afraid others won't understand.

I've always hated it when people tell me that God chose me to have these handicapped children, because He knew I could handle it and that they couldn't have.

I'm not handling it. I have depression that I am on meds for. I am running a business out of my home, and I have five children, two of which are mentally impaired. I get stretched in so many directions that I think I may fall apart.

I get so tired of having to bathe my 18 year old, cut her fingernails, brush her teeth, get her clothes out for school..... Then, I feel bad cause there are even more severe kids out there and their parents are still taking care of them.

Perhaps you could give me a better perspective on my problems. I would appreciate it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sad Mom,

You stated that:

"Sometimes I feel like if this life is a test and that I'm failing BIG time and might as well quit."

When you hear negative talk like this, stop it. That stuff comes from Satan, the garbage man himself... he is trashing you! He wants you to quit! See: Stop Trashing Yourself - www.annettenay.com/Garbage.htm

You stated:

"She and her 10 yr. old brother fight a lot. She tells him she hates him and wishes he was dead."

Does this sound like a healthy situation for your son to grow up in? What is this doing for his self esteem? How will it affect his ability to be a capable adult?

What if your daughter puts her thought's into action carries them out? An 18 year old body with a 9 year old mind can do a lot of damage is a short amount of time without too much thought as to whether it is right or wrong! The answer given most often by the perpetrator for such terrible outcomes is, " He made me angry, I hate him, I wished he were dead!" I would be super vigilant with those two! Don't leave them alone together unsupervised!

You stated:

"Before I said I would never have my kids live in a group home, but now I am considering it when she is done with high school."

There must be some reason these thoughts are coming to you. Do you know where they are coming from? Think the thought's through and see if they would be beneficial for the children, the family, and you. Make a decision as to whether they would be good or bad. Then ask the Lord if it is right! Ask your spouse to do the same! See: How to Make Good Decisions - www.annettenay.com/Decisions.htm

You wrote:

"Then that makes me feel like a bad mother because I can't take care of my own child and afraid others at church won't understand."

Neither of you ever have to answer to any other person as to how you two and the Lord decided to parent the children you have. Each child is different and needs different things to bloom and grow. When one member of the family is hampering the growth and development of the family, then other arrangements must be made to help the family. You cannot sacrifice the mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual health of the whole family to care for one member. Of course there are varying degrees of severity to this statement and each must be thought through and taken to the Lord for His approval.

You wrote:

"I've always hated it when people tell me that God chose me to have these handicapped children because He knew I could handle it and that they couldn't have. I'm not handling it. I have depression that I am on meds for. I am running a business out of my home, and I have five children, two of which are mentally impaired. I get stretched in so many directions that I think I may fall apart.

"I get so tired of having to bathe my 18 year old, cut her fingernails, brush her teeth, get her clothes out for school..... Then I feel bad cause there are more severe kids out there that their parents are still taking care of them."

Maybe there is too much on your platter... Don't let Satan lead you around by a nose ring. Do what is right for all of you. You have your own personal mental demands, collective family demands, that of your business, your spouse, and the special needs of individual members of the family. It may be that part of your depression is because you are trying to be super mom and are failing at that because it is not possible!

You and your husband must honestly think this through and check it out with the Lord. Then do what is right! When you do it this way you can tell the Garbage Man and his demoralizing and devaluating statements to take a flying leap. Toss the guilt he is dumping on you and get back to a healthier life for all of you. Remember when mom is not happy ...nobody is happy!


 


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