Depend Upon the Lord

Depend Upon the Lord

Dear Annette,

I have been having some very disconcerting problems, and I hope that you can help. I am somewhat hesitant to explain some of the issues I've been dealing with because I fear that it may be inappropriate. If so, please feel free to let me know. I most certainly will not be offended.

I am a newly wed of about two years. I met my husband in Utah shortly after a difficult breakup with my fiancée. After meeting, we clicked very quickly, and we both knew that it was right to get married. Before marriage, however, we struggled with moral cleanliness. We met with bishop's but could never get loose from the destructive behavior. So instead of living in sin, we made an effort to please the Lord. We were civilly married.

The first year of our marriage we struggled a lot. I had a lot of trust issues, and things were very rocky. But we were able to work through everything that came up and things began to get better. We were sealed in the temple a year to date of our civil marriage.

This past year has been wonderful. We get along almost all the time, we play together, we talk intimately and we are trying to study the scriptures and pray regularly together, but I still have this huge problem. I have no desire what so ever to make love to him.

Sex normally hurts me, and I think that may be the main reason. I have tried very hard to tap into my subconscious and find out more about the why's, but have not come up with anything significant. I really want to have that closeness with my husband, but frankly I'm just scared. I'm scared because it hurts me.

I believe that sex is a very important part of marriage. I sometimes think that it is spiritual food in a way. I think that my wanting to make love would improve and strengthen our marriage.

I also can't remember anything before age 6 or 7. I have almost no childhood memories, while my husband, and others I have spoken too. They have many memories, including vivid detail. Could something have happened to me to cause me to fear sex?

I have seriously considered counseling but we are not financially prepared for that. I would appreciate any insight or counsel that you may have.

Thank you!

Dear Needs Help,

1. First, always eliminate any medical problems. If you hurt then something must be wrong. Find out what it is and eliminate it. If it cannot be eliminated by medical means, ask for a fast and ask for a Priesthood blessing to gain relief.

You are right! Sex or intimacy is one of most important parts of a marriage. It binds the man and woman together and brings them closer. Having a good sexual relationship is important to the welfare of the relationship!

There are couples who cannot have sex due to physical handicaps, but they find other ways to be intimate with each other to make up for it. This may mean using manual, oral, and/or anal sex. Many LDS think that these forms of sex are taboo between couples, but in fact the current church policy is that whatever is done by a married couple behind closed doors is their own business. It is important to add that the forms of sex should be jointly agreed upon and should not be degrading to either mate.

If you have been sexual assault or molestation as a child, it is a time bomb waiting to explode. The problem can manifest itself in physical ailments, mental illness, emotional problems, sexual dysfunction, or a combination of these. Therefore, it is imperative that you know if this is a fact or a fiction.

2. The Lord tells us that we can know the truth of all things by getting the facts as best as we can, thinking the issue through, making a decision, and then asking Him if the decision was correct.

See: How to Make Good Decisions

http://www.annettenay.com/Decisions.htm

If in fact you have been sexual assault or molestation and cannot afford or do not want to share this intimate information with a counselor then depend upon the Lord. He already knows what you have gone through and will willingly help you remember and get through the problem if asked to do so.

3. With each of the following steps I highly suggest that you:

§ Fast and pray. You may choose to use a Fast Sunday to do so.

§ Get a Priesthood or a Husband's Blessing.

§ Have your name put on the prayer roster of the temple.

Step One:

You must remember what you have suppressed.

Step Two:

After remembering the facts, you must deal with them healthfully.

See: Adults Resolving Issues Stemming from Sexual Assault or Molestation

http://www.annettenay.com/Resolving.htm

Step Three:

You must rid yourself of the subconscious messages that were born because of the sexual assault or molestation.

See: How to Turn Hatred of Unwanted Sex into

Intimate Passionate Sex with Your Spouse

http://www.annettenay.com/Intimacy.htm

References

Kaplan, Helen S. (1974). The New Sex Therapy. NY, NY: Times Books/Random House Books.

Leiblum, Sandra R. & Rosen, Raymond C. (1988). Sexual Desire Disorders. NY, NY: The Gulford Press.