Choosing A Mate From Your Same Race

Why Choose A Mate From Your Same Race

I find it very offensive being a member of the Church that you would throw out something like "date only someone in your race." That is not doctrine of the Church nor even sound council. Race has nothing to do with eternal happiness. Inter-racial marriages are not any more successful then the "norm." I don't know where you are pulling these doctrines from. But this is why the Church gets pegged with being racist on a regular bases. It's sad that there are still racial tensions in people's heart even today, within our Church.

Sign me,
Ticked-Off
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Dear Ticked,

I understand where you are coming from. You think I am a bigot, which is not true. I have found that there are wonderful decent people in all races and there are some really awful ones too. Race is not the subject here; it is how to get the most happiness out of a marriage. I had a similar letter just a few weeks ago. Read on and see why the Church takes the stand it does.

Sincerely,

Annette Nay, MS

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Annette,
It makes me very sorrowful that we have people in the church who still believe in ideas of the past. There was a time that it probably wasn't a great idea to mix races but we are a new generation with new ideas and the only reason it would be a problem to marry another race would be because of ignorant people like yourself. We are all Gods children and especially members of the church should recognize this and stop living in the past. I know from personal experience if you marry someone with the same beliefs and goals despite color you can make any marriage work.

Married out of my race and love it!

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Dear Married,

Please read what the prophets have said on the subject:

Interracial Marriage

by W. John Walsh

http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/basic/family/marriage/interracial.htm

Church leaders teach that successful marriage is most likely to occur when the participants are "of the same racial background generally, and of somewhat the same economic and social and educational background." 1 If someone ignores this counsel, it would be against the teachings of the Church to penalize or ostracize them. Unlike marrying someone from a different religion, (See Dating and Marrying Nonmembers), it is not considered a sin to marry someone of a different race. However, as evidenced by the ever-increasing divorce rate, marriage is simply a difficult process in the best of circumstances. When the complexities and stresses of race differences are added to the situation, it is far more likely that divorce will occur. Therefore, "interracial marriages are discouraged by [the Church]." 2 President Spencer W. Kimball taught:

"Now, the brethren feel that it is not the wisest thing to cross racial lines in dating and marrying. There is no condemnation. We have had some of our fine young people who have crossed the lines. We hope they will be very happy, but experience of the brethren through a hundred years has proved to us that marriage is a very difficult thing under any circumstances and the difficulty increases in interrace marriages" (Brigham Young University Devotional on 5 January 1965)

"When I said you must teach your people to overcome their prejudices and accept the Indians, I did not mean that you would encourage intermarriage. I mean that they should be brothers, to worship together and to work together and to play together; but we must discourage intermarriage, not because it is sin. I would like to make this very emphatic. A couple has not committed sin if an Indian boy and a white girl are married, or vice versa. It isn't a transgression like the transgressions of which many are guilty. But it is not expedient. Marriage statistics and our general experience convince us that marriage is not easy. It is difficult when all factors are favorable. The divorces increase constantly, even where the spouses have the same general background of race, religion, finances, education, and otherwise. (58-08)" (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.302)

"The interrace marriage problem is not one of inferiority or superiority. It may be that your son is better educated and may be superior in his culture, and yet it may be on the other hand that she is superior to him. It is a matter of backgrounds. The difficulties and hazards of marriage are greatly increased where backgrounds are different. For a wealthy person to marry a pauper promises difficulties. For an ignoramus to marry one with a doctor's degree promises difficulties, heartaches, misunderstandings, and broken marriages.

When one considers marriage, it should be an unselfish thing, but there is not much selflessness when two people of different races plan marriage. They must be thinking selfishly of themselves. They certainly are not considering the problems that will beset each other and that will beset their children.

If your son thinks he loves this girl, he would not want to inflict upon her loneliness and unhappiness; and if he thinks that his affection for her will solve all her problems, he should do some more mature thinking.

We are unanimous, all of the Brethren, in feeling and recommending that Indians marry Indians, and Mexicans marry Mexicans; the Chinese marry Chinese and the Japanese marry Japanese; that the Caucasians marry the Caucasians, and the Arabs marry Arabs."(0/0/59) (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.303)

In the end, it is up to each individual to decide whether the cultural differences inherent in interracial relationships are significant or not in the context of their relationship. The answer will vary by culture and the people involved. For example, in Bosnia, an Ethnic Albanian and a Serb who married would unlikely be accepted by either ethnic group. Furthermore, the couple and their children might even be targeted by mob violence and death. On the other hand, the exact same couple living in a more tolerant location (e.g., Sweden) might not face any repercussions. Likewise, a liberated American woman might have strong conflicts with a husband from Afghanistan who strongly espoused the views of his culture towards women, but might get along very well with a man from the same origin who did not strongly hold those views. Finally, a mixed race couple from one culture (e.g., a White man and a Black woman from the same small town in England) might get along better than two people of the same ethnic stock, but raised in different cultures (e.g., a woman from the American South with Dutch ancestry who married a man from the Netherlands)

While race is only one factor in choosing who to date and who to marry, it is an important one that often has more influence than many couples may suspect. Mature individuals consider the possible difficulties very seriously before dating and falling in love. When you are in love, it seems like you can overcome anything. However, remember that interracial marriages have higher divorce rates and all of those couples were once in love as well. Racial and cultural differences generally come to light after the initial infatuations have worn off and the couple is forced to deal with the daily work of marriage. It is for this reason, the Church has encouraged Latter-day Saints to avoid them from the beginning.

NOTES

1. President Spencer W. Kimball, Quoted in FARMS, Review of Books on the Book of Mormon, Vol.7, Number 2, p.68

2. Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, p.527

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The Lord told his prophets to tell us these things, not to penalize those who enter into such marriages, but to help us be the happiest that we can be in this life. If I can steer my brothers and sisters into having happier lives, I intend to do so.

I truly hope that your marriage works out well and that your problems are at a minimum, but I can predict with assurance that there will be problems arise because of the differences of race, which would not have been there if there wasn’t two races to deal with. It is inevitable.

Best wishes,