Chips Off the Old Block or

Dealing With Children Who Abuse Others

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

Copyright 2000

Dear Annette,

I need your help for my daughter to.  She got married 14 years ago.  She had a marriage with a man from which two children were born.  Both children are now in their early teens. 

This relationship was an abusive one both verbally and physically. She eventually ended it eleven years ago as he became involved with another women.

While they were married I was called into the arguments and once or twice while pregnant with her second child she had to call the police.  He is loud, very loud, uses foul language and screams, and talks very sadistic and mean. He diminishes people.

He has remarried with a lady that has 2 girls.  They fight to much and she promises to kill him and my daughter's kids.  She has a very bad temper and has left him several times.

He seems to be a good father to the kids in his own way.  He takes them out, picks them up from school, and goes with them to games.  They are spend more and more time with each other.  There is a problem that with him, sports comes before to school work.

He is terrible their mom.... He gives her money, but if he makes her look silly and stupid in front of the kids.  He told the kids that their mother is with them because of his money, not because she loves them.

She lives only for them, she has no boyfriends, she doesn't go out alone, only with her 2 children.  She spoils them to much.  She spend every penny on those kids. They have every single toy, computer, Nintendo, everything, that is out there in the market, and good clothes too.

I spoiled them to much also.  We feel sorry for them.  This our mistake.  We are very close as mother and daughter.

As the children are losing respect for my daughter because of their dad.  She is so desperate that sometimes she thinks it would be better off if she lets them be with their father full-time.

This is why I am asking you for your advices, she may decide to let the children live with the father, and she will move to another state.  I am to sad because those kids don't know what is right.  Right now, both of them are on their father side because he is rich.

My daughter bought a house, that she can hardly afford to pay, with pool, for the kids while their father lives with his wife in a $250,000 house.

They are disrespectful to her, badmouth her, and speak the same way their dad does to her.  They use foul language. 

Please I need your advice.  This is all so sad!

Thank you very much and God bless you.

 

Dear Sad Grandmother,

No matter what she does she will not change the upbringing these children have been raised with.  Instead of one abuser she now has three, her husband and her two children.

Abusing others is usually a learned behavior. Children that grow up with an abuser in the home tend to become abusers themselves because this is what was modeled for them. This behavior becomes the way to handle life and its problems. Children in homes where abuse is going on are learning this behavior now! The girls are learning to be doormats to become abused in the future if not already being abused by the male abuser in their home. The boys are learning to be abusers because that is how they see this is how they are to treat women, especially mom.

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6

I tell you this so she knows what she is up against.  There are ways to change to change behavior in children, but since this particular behavior is second nature to them as it is all they have seen in the home, it will be like pulling teeth through her armpit to change it.

If she is consistent and doesn't mind living in a war-zone, she may be able to change the behaviors.  Chances are though, the children will not change, but will runaway to dad's place because of the sanctions their mother must place on them.  Life will become even more unbearable for all of them.

If she is willing to do this, this is how it is done!  Read...

Boundary Setting

Click here--> http://www.annette.nay.com/Boundries.htm

 

Helping Our Children Overcome Bad behaviors

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Behavior.htm

 

The Single Parent Taking Control of the Family

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Singles-Family.htm

 

Stop Sibling/Family Abuse

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Family-Abuse.htm

 

A Contract with the Family's Youths for Optimal Family Living

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Contract.htm

 

Allowing Rewards and Consequences for Children

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Allowing.htm

 

These articles should also help...

Family Council

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Council.htm

 

Understanding Adolescents and Teenagers

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Teens.htm

 

The Family Job List Binder

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Binder.htm

 

To help her cope read these...

Coping Skills

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Coping.htm

 

Coping with Bad Times

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Coping-Skills.htm

 

A Relaxation Exercise to Reduce Stress

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Relaxation.htm

 

Even with all this work these children may need psychological help. 

Remind her that she does not have to do this alone.  She can have God with her continually day and night to help her implement these new changes and make them work!  Read...

God Answers Silent and Vocal Prayers

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Prayers.htm

Before she decides to take on this huge task have here read and do what is suggested in this article...

How to Make Good Decisions

Click here-->  http://www.annettenay.com/Decisions.htm

 

Best wishes,

Annette Nay, Ph.D.

Annette Nay Homepage


     
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