Choose Change Instead of Waiting for It
Gary Emery & James Campbell

1. Realize that you create your own psychological pain.
2. Know the difference between change and choice.
3. Use the ACT Formula.
4. Use precise language in your plans and goals.

The Differences Between Change and Choice

Some people think that to be happy the situation of others must change and they wait for that change. Other people see that:

• Only they are responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• This means that other people or events are not responsible for these things.
• Other people are only responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• The only person they can change is themselves!
• Feelings are admitted to openly and appropriately.

Since they have such a healthy outlook in life they are not left helpless waiting for chance the develop a plan and choose to deal with the person or the situation as they choose. This is the act of choice.

Ten Symptoms of a Person Waiting for Change

1. Waiting: Change must happen before I can feel better.
2. Hurt: What you said hurt me. (Check what was said out against reality. Was it true?)
3. Frustration: Why won't they change?
4. Helplessness: I can't change my feelings.
5. Resentment: I hate them for making me feel this way.
6. Sense of failure: "I try, but 1 can't make a difference."
7. Depression: I should be able to make them change, but I can't so I'm a failure.
8. Surface Communication: I can't say how I really feel or I will hurt their feelings.
9. Loneliness: I can't be myself with them. I feel all alone, vulnerable, and without a friend.
10. Failure to develop a sense of self: I let others or events determine my life, therefore I don't know who or what I am. I feel invisible.

Ten Gifts Gained from using the Choice System

1. Acceptance: I can except reality as it comes and deal with it because my happiness or develop a creative solution is not dependent on the situation or other's changing.
2. Energy: With a plan, I gain energy to do something to create the experience I want. Knowledge: I can learn something from any situation to help me in the future.
3. The greatest knowledge gained that I can do something to help myself.
4. Resourcefulness: I can look at reality and create the choices I need.
5. Cooperation: I can work with others to get what I want.
6. Success: I choose goals and set reasonable steps to reach my goals
7. Self-esteem: I like myself as I am even though I am in transition to becoming the person I want to be.
8. Truth: I can tell the truth to myself and others because it sets me free from the weight of deception
9. Intimacy: I will not give you power to hurt me, therefore I am free to be myself. Since I'm not trying to change you, you are free to be yourself with me.
10. Ideals and Values: I know what I am and what I want out of life.

The ACT Formula

• A - Accept reality will continually change from shades of good to bad.
• C - Choose ways to deal healthfully and creatively with these changes.
• T - Take action on the plans you have made.

Example:

• I accept that I feel bad about the way my friends are acting towards me.
• I will allow myself to feel these feelings for 45 seconds then I will move on.
• I will do so or I will become enmeshed in their ugliness.
• I choose to create a healthy way of dealing with my feelings for my mental and physical well being.
• I will put my plan into action and chose to be happy in spite of their actions.
• If it continues, I will go out into the community and engage in the things I like and gain other friends who are positive and uplifting and leave the other's behind.

Letting Go of Pain

• You are at the mercy of whatever you refuse to accept.
• Accept that the situation is the way it is and make plans to change your relationship with the situation and accomplish your plans.
• Do not allow your feelings to create excuses or handicaps to ruin your life and limit your freedom.
• You choose to see the situation or person the way you do.
• No one can make you angry or sad, you choose this for yourself by the things you tell yourself about the situation.
• You choose to state, act upon, or override those feelings.
• Step over debilitating feelings and strive for your goals.
• Talk out your thoughts and feelings. Remind yourself of how these interfere with your goals.
• Goals should not be changed in the heat of the moment. Give yourself time to think rationally.
• Experience your feelings. Don't stuff them.
• Honestly examine your feelings for 45 seconds, decided what you will do with them, then do it.
• Do not use your feelings to criticize or negatively judge yourself.
• Ask for feedback from others to check your feelings against reality to see if your feelings are correct or blown out of proportion.
• If you are upset by rumors or actions of other's, check the rumors out with the original source to see if there is a misunderstanding. Try to work things out.
• If bad feelings persist, create feelings that will let you be you and get you what you want.
• To chance moods use music, singing, exercise, laughter, a hot shower, or rest.
• Regular checkups, a balanced diet with daily vitamins and minerals, exercise, and enough rest are imperative to help you feel good do your best and help you control your thoughts, feelings and actions.

FEEL

• F - Focus on your feelings.
• E - Express them constructively
• E - Experience them.
• L - Let them go and get on with your goals.

Blocked Goals

• When what you intended to happen happens, there is motion towards your goal.
• When there is a clash between what you expected and what has occurred then you experience e-motion or lack of motion towards your goal.
• Rethink your options, formulate a plan to obtain your goal.
• Do not allow e-motion to block your forward motion towards your goal.
• Failure only occurs when you give up.
• Reformulating your plan and the steps to get there is not failure, its progress.
• Signs of blockage are chronic fatigue, being stressed-out, crying all the time, inabilityÅü%Æà¸æásEÜ1@€ ÿþDB`‘kÅ ³®(s ‚•‹PâÝown and put it where you can see it. Keep the vision of your goal in your mind.
• Accentuating the positive and being accountable for your actions can aid progress toward your goals
• Practice tolerance. Accept others and you'll be able to accept yourself.
• Question your beliefs about reality as it exists now. Look for distortions and evidence of the truth.
• What's another way of looking at the situation?
• Get a second opinion.
• Make choices that will help you retain maximum freedom.
• Forgive others and forgive yourself
• Accept yourself as a person of worth.
• If you find yourself lacking in areas, make plans to change these.
• You may have made bad choices in the past. Jot down what you learned from the experience and grow from your past. This is called wisdom.
• Act as if you've achieved the goal you want. Acting soon turns in to habits that become reality.
• Sell yourself on your strategy for reaching your goals. List down the benefits and drawbacks.
• Do not set your goals around the actions of others. You only have control over your own actions.
• Don't dwell on the failures of the past, focus on the future and your plans.
• After dividing your goal in to realistic smaller goals, do not view the project in its entirety.own and put it where you can see it. Keep the vision of your goal in your mind.
• Accentuating the positive and being accountable for your actions can aid progress toward your goals
• Practice tolerance. Accept others and you'll be able to accept yourself.
• Question your beliefs about reality as it exists now. Look for distortions and evidence of the truth.
• What's another way of looking at the situation?
• Get a second opinion.
• Make choices that will help you retain maximum freedom.
• Forgive others and forgive yourself
• Accept yourself as a person of worth.
• If you find yourself lacking in areas, make plans to change these.
• You may have made bad choices in the past. Jot down what you learned from the experience and grow from your past. This is called wisdom.
• Act as if you've achieved the goal you want. Acting soon turns in to habits that become reality.
• Sell yourself on your strategy for reaching your goals. List down the benefits and drawbacks.
• Do not set your goals around the actions of others. You only have control over your own actions.
• Don't dwell on the failures of the past, focus on the future and your plans.
• After dividing your goal in to realistic smaller goals, do not view the project in its entirety.
• This can cause you to be overwhelmed and push you into inactivity.
• Instead, focus on accomplishing each goal in its turn until the larger goal is obtained.
• Nobody can eat an elephant in one setting, but it can be done one bite at a time.
• From small steps great things can be accomplished.
• Be patient. Goals often take time accomplish.
• Look at people that succeed. Study their values, positive characteristics, and/or coping skills. Try their positive good characteristics and skills to see how they feel.
• Adopt the ones that work positively for you.
• Don't look for happiness in the future. Appreciate what you have, what you are currently accomplishing, and the growth you are having in the process of getting there.
• Hold yourself accountable for your progress towards the goal.
• Set up small positive reinforcements for reaching daily goals and larger positive reinforcements for achieving larger goals.
• Go over your goals each morning and each night with your Higher Power/God.
• Ask for help to achieve them each morning,
• Each night evaluate them and review plans for the next day.
• Remember to thank your Higher Power for the help that was given through the day.
• When trying to decide what is right, figure it out for yourself first, make a decision, then ask your Higher Power/God if it is the right thing for you at this time.
• Wait for an answer. If your answer is "yes", you will have a good or peaceful feeling or a confidence that what you are doing is right.
• If it is "no", you will tend to forget the thing you were thinking of.
• Ask for guidance in deciding what to do. Rethink it again and then check it out with your Higher Power/God.
• Often your Higher Power/God will sent people into your life with solutions to help you.
• Keep an open mind. The way to achieve your goals may be foreign to you, but it may be the best way.

Reference:

Emery, Gary & Campbell, James (1986). Rapid Relief from Emotional Distress. Fawcett Columbine: NY.