Bridging Broken Family Relationships
Dear Annette,
My daughter graduated from high school and decided that my husband and I should take care of her while she sat around. She didn’t want to go to college or to get a job. We put our foot down. So she stomped our of our lives.
She is staying with friends. We have called there, but she will not take our calls. I want to write her, but I’m afraid that she couldn’t write back. We love our daughter and want what is best for her. We don’t know how to bridge this gap between us.
Can
you help?
Worried
Mom
Dear Worried Mom,
If you wrote her what is the worst that can happen? She may...
1. send it back.
2. pretend she didn't see it.
3. call to tell you to leave her alone.
Really the bottom line is that you have nothing now, if you write and she blows you off, you still have nothing. So you haven't lost anything.
If you do write you will have shown her that ...
1. you still love her.
2. you still want her to be part of your lives.
3. she has not burned her bridges.
Teens that age tend to be very dramatic and blow everything out of proportion. When she comes to she senses she will see that what has happened is not so terrible and is amendable. Do not think this can happen immediately. Teens do not think like adults quite yet.
See: Understanding Adolescents and Teens
http://www.annettenay/Teens.htm
and
Growing Capable Responsible
Adults
http://www.annettenay/Adults.htm
Meanwhile you can send birthday cards, Christmas cards, and newsy letters. Keep the channel open and let her know that she is loved and welcome.
She has her free agency you can't make her be happy with the healthy boundaries you have set for her to become a capable strong person. In fact setting boundaries usually makes the would-be user upset because you will not allow yourself to be used.
Someday you will be able to explain to her that if you had let her become a leech that she would not have progressed to be the kind of person she should have become. In so doing she and her posterity would have also been lazy shiftless people and good for nothing. By making her stand on her own two feet she has become independent and can teach those attributes to her children. This explanation usually happens when they have children that are driving them crazy!
Keep the letters upbeat and constantly going out to her. There is a good chance that someday she will grow up or will need her family so the door must be open for her to step back over the threshold and back to you!
You could also enlist your other daughter's help in mending the relationship. A good word to her in your behalf every now and then couldn't hurt! Remind them that you are an eternal family in the making and need to get thing right here so they can be right there.
See: Good Earthly Relations are an Eternal Must
http://www.annettenay/Relations.htm
Good luck in your endeavors,
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