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This is in regard to a grown child if you can help. What do you do with a daughter who lets her husband hit her around and she won't even have him arrested? We have tried to counsel her ourselves and assured her we will be there for her but to no avail. We moved from another state to get her away from it but now she's allowing it to happen again. And no, she wasn't brought up in an abusive environment. We're at our wits end and have run out of answers!
Dear Wits End,
Your daughter obviously needs some heavy duty counseling. The trouble is that counseling only works when the person to be counseled feels there is a need for it and is willing to work for change.
Your daughter has under gone intense brainwashing. She has been taught to believe that:
At this point she doesn't know that she has been brainwashed or that she needs help. She thinks that if she tries harder that she can make things work out and she will finally have the marriage that she yearns for. She really thinks that the abuse is all her fault.
These abusers are so charming and believable that they can make anyone believe anything. This is one of their major tools to enable them to continue the violence under the scrutiny of friends and neighbors without them knowing a thing.
Once a women undergoes this brainwashing she exhibits a docility that that is outwardly spotted by her lack of self esteem by the hanging of her head, not being able to look people in the eye, shying away for making friends, and etc. Abusive men look for women they can easily put under their subjection. They can spot these characteristics a mile away.
If your daughter lives to get out of this relationship, she will just attract more of the same. It is not until she can get the counseling to restore her self esteem and be trained to know the brainwashing techniques which were use on her so she can spot the falsehoods and realize them for what they are so she will be able to stop violent men from being in her life.
Get your daughter in to a counselor who specializes in working with battered women. Shop around for the best one. It must be one that you think your daughter will be able to talk to. A female counselor may be easier to talk to than a male counselor because of the nature of the problem.
Ask the counselor to talk to you about:
1. Her modes of therapy.
2. The benefits and draw backs of each type of therapy used.
3. How the she thinks they will help in this particular case.
I hope this is of help to you. At least it explains your daughter's behavior and suggests something that can be done to eliminate the problem if your daughter willing go alone with it. She will need to see the counselor secretly as her new husband/boyfriend will not approve of it and will talk her out of it or beat the idea out of her.
Annette Nay Homepage