Copyright © 1999
Dear Annette,
My nineteen year old son is in trouble all the time. He won't go to church. He bad mouths me when his dad is not around. He is mean just to be mean. He beats on his siblings and does things to keep them upset. He has been picked up by the police twice for misdemeanors. I am afraid it will be something bigger next time.
It is terrible being in the same house with him. I really hate being with him. There are times I wish he would not come home. When he does comes home I want to leave. I can't stand it anymore. My life is so miserable.
The worst part is that I know that he knows better than the way he is acting. My husband and I both taught him the gospel. We both did our best to live the gospel so that he would see it in action. I'm not saying we are perfect, but we have taught him right from wrong.
I really want to throw him out, but then he would not have any good influence around him. I know as his parent I am supposed to help get him back to God. If I throw him out, then I have failed my job. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can stand being here much longer.
Dear Wants to Leave,
It is your home. Those who live under your roof must abide by the rules set by your husband and you or they are not welcome. You have taught the gospel to your son. He is of the age that he is exercising his free agency and you cannot take that away from him. When he chooses to live by a different set of rules then he needs to do so else where.
When that day comes you will be his worst nightmare. Everything will be your fault even though it is him that has chosen this route. You must turn him loose. You have done your best. What more can you do? Neither your children nor you deserve to be abused in your own home. Not physically or verbally!
I've been where you've been. I remember all the nights that my son was brought home by officers. I remember the time that my children had to distract the wild-eyed animal my son had become as he chased me down the hall to beat me up. I remember shaking and crying in the bathroom as I held the portable phone, begging the police to come take my son away. That was a cold rainy night and one of the saddest nights of my life.
There were other sad moments... I remember when I learned that my son was an alcoholic. I remember when they sentenced him to nine years in prison with parole in a year. I remember him calling collect from prison and asking if it was all right if he could call us again at Christmas some three months away.
This person that my son had become, was not my son. My son was a sweet spirit with a light in his eyes and a beautiful smile on his face. He was an Eagle Scout. He always gave service to others even when it wasn't asked. He probably missed five Sacrament Meetings in his whole life up to age of nineteen, but he fell into the wrong crowd of friends and they took the light from his eyes and left a cruel smile on his face. At one point he was so confused that he didn't think God existed.
God promise us that if we have raised our children up correctly when they are young, that when they are old, they will return. How can God promise us that? It is because He is God and He CAN turn them around. He lets them hit rock bottom. Then, in their desperation, He gently reminds them they can turn to Him. It is in their darkest hour that they start the repentance process and call upon Him for help. He will be there to help them up. It is only then that they are ready to listen to Him again.
A professor of mine told me that it was the strong willed attributes that I was fighting in my son, that someday, with a little tweaking, would make him a great man. God know how to do that tweaking! I have seen Him do it and He is the height of finesse.
My son is older now. He is out on parole. He read the scriptures from cover to cover 3 times the year he was in prison. He knows God is there and loves him. He is still not the sweet individual he once was, nor is he an active member of the Church, but for a moment, every now and then, I see a spark of my son shining beneath the harsh worldly exterior. I see God's hand molding my son a small step at a time back to the sweet spirit he once was.
I know the Lord has a long row to hoe with my child, but I know God is patient and long suffering.
I KNOW GOD WILL KEEP HIS PROMISE.
He will bring my son home.
I know he will bring yours home too.
Just as Christ is long suffering and patient, we both need to take a step backwards and breath long and deep the sweet fresh air... because we know God is there! He will not fail us. We too will have to be patient and long suffering, but in doing so, we learn to become like God.
And if it should be that you have to turn your son out as I did on a bitter rainy night to save the rest of your children from his foul influence, then so be it. We have taught our sons the principles of God. We have stood as examples for them to follow. We have done our part! Now stand back and watch God's quiet miracle and majesty... and know that He is there and that He does keep His promises.
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