Are You Abused or At Risk for
Abuse?
Dawn Bradley Berry
According
to the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project of Duluth, Minnesota, certain
behaviors of abusive men have been identified as characteristic of the early
stages of abuse that often precedes physical battering. These personality traits
are combined with information on the predictors of domestic violence, as
identified by the National Technical Assistance Center on Family Violence and
published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Women who recognize several of these traits in their partners
should take a careful look at t relationship and carefully consider getting out
before it becomes violent.
1.
Your partner has a history of growing up in a violent family, a setting
where he learned that violence is normal behavior.
2.
He has a tendency to use force or violence to try to solve problems- as
indicated by behavior such as a criminal record for violence, a quick temper or
tendency to overreact to minor frustrations, fighting, destructive behavior when
angry, cruelty to animals.
3.
He abuses alcohol or drugs.
4.
He has a poor opinion of himself, often masked by trying to act tough.
5.
He often exhibits jealousy, not only of other men, but also of friends
and family members.
6.
He exhibits hyper-masculine behavior-he feels he should make all the
decisions, tell you what your role as a woman and his as a man must be. He has
very traditional ideas about appropriate roles and behaviors of men and women,
and thinks women are second-class citizens. He expects you to follow his orders
and advice and may becomes angry if you can’t read his mind and anticipate
what he wants.
7.
He emotional abuses you or other women with name-calling, put-downs,
humiliation, and attempts to create guilt.
8.
He isolates you by telling you who you may see or talk to, controls what you do
and where you go, even what you read. He keeps tabs on your every move, and
wants you with him all the time.
9.
He intimidates you and makes you afraid through, looks, anger, actions, a
display of weapons or gestures. He destroys your property or a6uses your pets.
He-enjoys playing with lethal weapons, and threatens to use them against those
he feels wronged him. You do what he wants you to do, and constantly work to
keep him from getting angry.
10.
He portrays “Jekyll and Hyde” behavior.
He goes through highs and lows, as though he is two different people, and
he swings from extremely kind to extremely cruel.
11.
He uses coercion and threats. He
tells you he will hurt you, leave you, or kill himself if you leave. If you file
charges against him he makes you drop them by threatening violence or suicide.
Have you changed your life so you won't make him angry?
12.
He treats you roughly, and physically forces you to do things you do not
want to do.
13.
He often denies his actions minimizing or making light of his own abusive
behavior, refusing to take your concerns seriously, and blaming you for his
behavior.
14.
He economically abuses you by preventing you from getting or keeping a job,
controlling all the money in the household, making you .ask for money, or
concealing his income.
Women
in relationships where these behaviors regularly take place are already abused,
even if the physical violence has not started.
These signs should be taken very seriously.
Sometimes
people are occasionally nasty, but generally treat their partners well, so it is
not so clear as to whether the behavior is abusive or merely the less pleasant
side of normal human nature. Often the way a victim feels or acts can be a clue
that occasional moodiness has crossed the line into abuse. Ask yourself if you
have begun to doubt yourself-do you wonder if you are crazy?
Do you look at yourself and what you do in a different way? For example,
if you once considered yourself a good cook, a talented singer, a competent
worker, has this changed? Do you
doubt your own judgment? Are you
afraid of your partner? Have you
stopped expressing your opinion? Do
you hesitate to make decisions before asking your partner’s permission? Have you stopped seeing friends, taking classes, going out
when you choose? Do you spend a lot
of time watching your partner’s moods? One
of the simplest things a women can do to begin the process of change is to begin
to say different things to herself. Reassure yourself that you do not deserve
abuse, that you do not have to tolerate mistreatment. Remind yourself of your
positive traits, your accomplishments, all the things you can do and have done.
We
all have human imperfections. Sometimes we can benefit by working, either on our
own or with the help of others, to make changes in ourselves that will improve
our lives. Everyone has room to grow. But nothing gives one human being the
right to use violence against another except in self-defense to stop violence.
Even if you have behaved in a way toward your partner that you or he does not
consider right-such as yelling, nagging, engaging in infidelity, or criticizing
–that does not give him the right to hurt you.
It may give him the right to get angry, to tell you to stop. To argue, or
to leave you. It does not, ever,
justify violence. You may have
provoked his anger, but you did not provoke his violence. That was his choice, and his problem. Healthy men-the vast majority-so not hit women who make them
angry. They have other ways of managing and expressing their anger. If he abuses
you, it is not your fault. You did
not cause the abuse. There is no
shame in seeking assistance. And
most of all, programs protect your privacy.
The Women's Community Association of Albuquerque characterizes respect
and confidentiality as mainstays of their programs.
Battery
is against the law. You are not responsible for your partner's violent behavior,
even though he probably tries to blame you. No one deserves abuse. You have the
right to insist that you live in a peaceful home, and your children grow up in a
home free from violence. Nothing
justifies abuse, and if your partner is truly sorry, he needs to get help to
learn alternatives to abusive behavior. As
Ginny NiCarthy writes in Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive
Relationships, you have certain fundamental rights: "The right to speak
your mind. The right to privacy, choices, some free time, some money of your
own, friends, work, bodily integrity, freedom from fear, treatment with respect
and dignity."
Reference
Berry,
Dawn Bradley, 1995. Domestic
Violence Sourcebook, p.196-202.
Lowell House, Los Angeles, CA.